In COVID-19 America, We All Looked Like Yaks

Even if President Coronavirus became our dictator, he'd be a terrible one because everything he touches dies. Just ask 30,000+ Americans.

Pictured: Wisconsin voter Charley Longhorn, shortly after casting his vote in the Democratic presidential primary. Not only did he vote for Joe Biden, he hopes his barber will reopen for business soon.

Listen: I totally realize that complaining about not having access to professional hair care is the bougie-est thing imaginable when thousands of our fellow Americans are dying in a pandemic and the Russian asset squatting in our White House lacks the psychological willingness and ability to give a whit about any of them, or any of us, or anything beyond that which most immediately benefits his grifting (lack of) heart. But other than comforting ourselves in the knowledge that Nero and Caligula, too, eventually got what they deserved, there’s still the disconcerting reality that when barber shops and salons eventually do come back to life, many of us will look like yaks.

Hair care — yes, even on either side of my very bald pate — was one of the bougie-r topics that I, along with my dear friend and longtime CFR contributor Elizabeth Burke, covered on the most recent episode of the Burke’s Law podcast.

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Not that we spent the whole conversation yakking about yaks, of course — far from it. In Week 347 of COVID-19 quarantine, nobody knows what day it is, what week it is, what year it is, or what happens to yaks after they deplete their DVR queue, along with all the offerings on Netflix in the era of Peak TV. More terrifying still, no one, including Liz, has worn anything but sweats and super-comfortable clothing since — well, let’s put it this way: remember that scene in the 1981 movie Quest For Fire in which Caveman 1 mutters “Ug” to Caveman 2? Since then.

Just as my inability to see my barber is my bougie boogie, the possibility of Liz running out of her favorite coffee creamer is her bougie boogie — which is why she gussied herself into her favorite super-comfortable clothing and headed to the supermarket for stocking up. On arrival, she was reminded how the virus will likely be with us for some time to come, what with social distancing and plastic gloves and masks all required just to get in the door.

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We also ranted about how President Donald J. Coronavirus believes that he can “open the economy” by May 1 (not), and how his authority is, like the tasteless cereal, total. Even if President Coronavirus succeeded in becoming our dictator, he’d be a terrible one because, y’know, everything he touches dies. Just ask 30,000+ Americans.

And then we looked ahead, through the wildly overgrown hair on the yaks that we are, to the Democratic race for president. The votes in Wisconsin were just being tabulated, and we marveled at how many, many people turned out, despite a Supreme Court ruling that proved yet again that John Roberts and the Republican Justices are not only members of a Death Cult, they die more slowly and only beneath their robes.

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A few days before we recorded our podcast, Sen. Bernie Sanders suspended his campaign and endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden — and not, let us note, in the same namby-pamby, back-handed, yes-we-have-no-bananas way he half-heartedly raised his finger to support Hillary Clinton back in 2016, but in a full-throated, no-doubts, no-excuses way that underscores what’s at stake for America this November. Will all the Bernie Bros start ridin’ with Biden? Bet your ass they should. But it hard to tell because we all look like yaks.

A sincere note of appreciation to our 5.57 listeners for your decimated support. If you do enjoy this podcast, please leave us a review and also share this episode on social media or wherever humans gather until 2022. On Twitter, please follow Liz at @burkelawNYC and follow CFR at @TheCFReport. Stay safe.

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