Welcome to the Burke’s Law “Home Edition” Podcast! Because you all better be home listening to it. Seriously, just stay the **** home!
Once again, the erudite Leonard Jacobs and our Southern dispatch reporter Michael Houk and I discuss coping as we enter Week 3 of global isolation. Which makes me wonder if, when this is all over and we’ve all become gourmet chefs, learned three languages and worked out two hours a day to have the body of our dreams, we want to go back out. Debatable.
On this episode, you’ll learn that Leonard was dismayed by a lack of brisket, so he got into the only Uber in Queens and ventured into the scary, virus-infected world. Success! But brisket, apparently, isn’t in as high demand as toilet paper. Meanwhile, in Georgia, where Michael lives, Gov. Brian Kemp believes the virus doesn’t like beach activities so he opened up Georgia’s beaches! The coronavirus is wary of skin cancer, I guess, or a bad sunburn. Michael isn’t as sure about the virus’s aversion to sun and surf, so he’s staying home, pale and healthy!
And then — me. Under extreme duress with three weeks of laundry, I had an altercation in the laundry room of my building here in DC. I demanded for this! to! stop! as I let fly a few choice words to the idiots jamming the one working laundry room in my building of 1,100 apartments. I’m worried that not interacting with people for so long has made me intolerant of…people. Four more weeks, I’ll be washing my underwear in the sink.
We’re now learning that the virus can live in your body for several weeks, causing you to be asymptomatic as Mr. Virus sits comfortable, warm, and living it’s best life self-isolating inside our 98.6-degree interiors. (Gov. Kemp just learned about asymptomatic people — and the CDC in his backyard!) But deadly viruses, just like us, will eventually want to go out and make new friends and that is how Mr. Tricky Sticky Icky Virus spreads. This is also why we all need to stay home and even if we feel great, sit on that couch. Stay, sit, stay! Now my dog is confused.
Also, now that the elite, stuck-up, leftie coastals are experiencing the worst infections, Mr. Virus wants to see what the rest of America looks like. So off it wanders into our interior, like an intrepid explorer — visiting Michigan, Missouri and other states that Trump won; and soon southern states, like Arkansas, Alabama and Mississippi, will get their asses kicked as well. The governors of some of those states have only recently (finally) issued stay-at-home orders. Except gun stores! Virus ain’t scaird of no guns! (Breaking news: You can’t shoot a microbe!)
Michael, Leonard and I wonder if the people in these Trump-loving states are about to have a reckoning with an invisible, apolitical enemy. These are, after all, people who watch Fox 24/7, despise actual journalists, don’t believe what scientists say (or science), and who are wholly unprepared for what is about to hit them. These are states that already have a fragile health care system, with many populations having no health insurance (thanks Trump!). One wonders if the deaths inevitably on their doorstep will change their thinking. Will actual family members dying unnecessarily make them re-think their utter devotion to the anti-science, TV-reality-show conman? Debatable.
I mean, don’t worry — Jared Kushner is here! The ultimate Failson who achieved peace in the Middle East, brought American innovation to every business and home in the US, and solved the opioid crisis now leads the (Shadow) Coronavirus Task Force! Kushner reminded us last week that the federal stockpile of PPE is not for the states — “It’s ours,” he said, meaning it’s Trump’s. Actually, let me quote:
Hands off! IT’S MINE!MINE!MINE!
Kushner and his bros — the Slim Suit Crowd — are a posse riding in to solve this extremely difficult crisis because they are eminently qualified (one was Kushner’s roommate). The three of us believe that the American Office of Innovation and the Slim Suit Crowd of Bros sold cocaine and hid dead strippers, though not necessarily in that order.
We agree that Kushner is the Patrick Bateman of the administration. Except Kushner is too soft to actually be Patrick Bateman.
So we sit and wait for Stephen Miller to finally fall ill. And for cancer to finally take out that rat-fuck Rush Limbaugh.
So you have nothing to do tonight, grab your favorite adult drink and listen to us tonight, tomorrow, the next day, whenever — you have nowhere to go. Sit on your couch!
Thanks to our 4.27 listeners for your fractured support. If you enjoy this podcast, leave us a review and share this episode on social media or wherever humanity is allowed to gather for the next few centuries. On Twitter, follow me at @burkelawNYC and please follow CFR at @TheCFReport. Stay safe.