Life Is a Bleach and Then You Die

On Donald Trump's horrifying and deadly prescriptions for how to move America beyond the COVID-19 fake news hoax "crisis."

"You are feeling very stooooooopid. feel SO stooooooopid." (Image courtesy of The New York Times, 2018: Illustration by Woody Harrington; photograph by Damon Winter.)

The latest episode of our weekly Burke’s Law podcast is being made available to you much later than we wanted, but, we assure you, we have a very good reason. Please read on.

You see, last week Elizabeth Burke and I were watching TV (that is, separately — Liz from her cozy urban bungalow in DC; me from my cozy urban bungalow in NYC) when our best President ever, Donald Trump, came on the screen. I don’t know if it was brain waves or sound waves or air waves or hand waves, but we were suddenly, out of nowhere, totally transfixed by him, fully in his thrall, as we heard his latest set of prescriptions for making America great again — and moving America beyond the COVID-19 fake news hoax “crisis.”

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I’m not kidding: we were brainwashed! If someone had placed a metal vat full of hot-mess cofveve or a counter full of salmonella hamberders in front of us, we’d have either jumped in, chomped down or both. For a day or two, we have to admit, it was glorious: no more worries, no more bother; we even thought Diamond and Silk had talent. And in that bit of bliss, we were looking forward to the new normal being like the old normal, with more and more malls and tattoo parlors and hair salons reopening. So when Trump announced that people could cure or prevent COVID-19 through the use of a “very powerful light,” it was like manna from heaven, the answer to our prayers. So I took a flashlight and shoved it up my ass. For a little while there, I was even able to turn it on and off by — well, I mean, I’ll stop there, but let me put it like this: Who needs Alexa?

Liz, meanwhile, had apparently received an even larger dose of those brain waves or sound waves or air waves or hand waves than I had, so instead of enjoying a satisfying end-of-the-week martini or quarantini late last week, she mixed herself a refreshing bleachtini — made with three-quarters of a gallon of bleach, plus a drop of Drano. You know, for flavor.

You can very well imagine what happened next.

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Yep! Now we’re both dead. We recorded this week’s podcast from the Great Beyond. It’s nice here, though warmer than you’d expect. Though in some spots it’s still hard to find toilet paper and Clorox wipes.

The moral: don’t stick a flashlight or a UV light or a “very powerful light” up your ass. And please, please don’t drink bleach. And if you know someone deliriously enraptured by the leader of the Great Republican Death Cult, get them help now. These people need total de-programming. Life is a bleach and then you die? Take it from us — it’s really not worth it.

And now, a sincere note of appreciation to our 2.87 listeners for your fractional support. If you enjoy this podcast, please leave us a review and share this episode on social media or wherever humans gather until 2024. On Twitter, please follow Liz at @burkelawNYC and follow CFR at @TheCFReport. And again: stay safe.

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