My Christmas Gift: The 12 Days of Impeaching Trump-Mess

Here's to enjoying the spirit of the (impeachment) season.

0
102
Christmas
What do you want for Christmas, America?

‘Tis the season for awkward conversations, surprise gifts and a big fat man in a suit. Yes, that’s right — not only is it Impeachment Season, it’s also Christmas! And Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, and so much more. How wonderful for these entertaining and exhausting events to happen at the same time, hm?

Most of us, of course, will experience the awkwardness, the guilt and the indecisiveness that is gift-giving during the holidays. Last Christmas, for example, my mother confided in me that my cousin had given her the most horrendous blouse. When I corrected her and said that, in fact, I had gifted her said blouse, she responded “I love it!” with Meryl Streep-worthy enthusiasm. Which made me realize that a) mothers are seriously some of the best performers in the world, and b) gift-giving is truly — dare I say it — a gift.

Story continues below.



But why do we give gifts on the holidays? After all, these are theoretically sacred, religion-based events that don’t naturally scream “I know it’s your birthday but we can’t make it to your party — can I get you a Polly Pocket instead?” Instead, we’ve created Santa Claus: a mixture of saints, marketing invention and wholesome bribery.

St. Nicholas, in one version or another, is said to have saved three women from slavery by providing them with dowries. His method of gifting these dowry-filled goody bags: tossing them through a window. One of these bags then landed Lebron-style in a stocking that was hung by the chimney because — well, you know, laundry day. Thus a legend was born, two or three hundred years later.

By the way, some of us even get a second round of presents under the guise of three old men with camels who travel the world delivering presents to good Catholic boys and girls. Yes, Virginia, that’s called the Epiphany. With a Cuban grandmother, this was known in my household as El Dia de los Reyes — Three Kings Day. On this day, three wise men gifted baby Jesus what every newborn needs: gold, frankincense and myrrh.

Story continues below.



I won’t even pretend to be a good Catholic — or any kind of Catholic — and claim to have known any of this before Google. All I know is the Three Kings brought me my first and only Walkman. Who needs myrrh when you can play The New Kids on the Block’s Hanging Tough on cassette wherever you go?

Which brings me to, arguably, the most annoying of Christmas carols: The Twelve Days of Christmas, or Twelvetide as it is sometimes called. A song all about gift-giving. While many presume that the 12 days of Christmas are the days leading up to Christmas, they are, in fact, the days between Christmas and the Epiphany. While its origins are a bit muddy, what this song is not, apparently, is a Cliff’s Notes for Sunday school with a hidden reminder for not-so-good Catholics on how to be knowledgeable Catholics. The song was likely a call-and-response exercise meant to inspire learning and memory recall at Christmas events which, along with your creepy uncle, is what I’d call “not holiday fun.”

But I digress.

Story continues below.



Using 2018 figures, The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost your true love a little more than $39,000 — which, come to think of it, is chump change for a felon person who might have had, say, a fetid fragrance line, fake bottled water, a corrupt university as well as a carousel in Central Park all named for him. And since this man’s adherents don’t believe in God so much as they believe in him, and since so many of them choose to call themselves Christian when they’re anything but, I decided to embrace the spirit of the season. Yes, it’s my present to you: “The Twelve Days of Impeaching Trump-Mess”:

On the first day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
A whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the second day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the third day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the fourth day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the fifth day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the sixth day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Six lies Republicans keep repeating,
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the seventh day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Seven major players refusing to testify,
Six lies Republicans keep repeating,
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the eighth day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Eight requests for a “favor,”
Seven major players refusing to testify,
Six lies Republicans keep repeating,
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the ninth day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Nine-page whistleblower complaint,
Eight requests for a “favor,”
Seven major players refusing to testify,
Six lies Republicans keep repeating,
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the tenth day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Ten dates with indicted foreign agents,
Nine-page whistleblower complaint,
Eight requests for a “favor,”
Seven major players refusing to testify,
Six lies Republicans keep repeating,
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Eleven (thousand) tweets since elected,
Ten dates with indicted foreign agents,
Nine-page whistleblower complaint,
Eight requests for a “favor,”
Seven major players refusing to testify,
Six lies Republicans keep repeating,
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, our president gave to us:
Twelve incriminating witnesses’ testimony,
Eleven (thousand) tweets since elected,
Ten dates with indicted foreign agents,
Nine-page whistleblower complaint,
Eight requests for a “favor,”
Seven major players refusing to testify,
Six lies Republicans keep repeating,
FIVE DAYS OF TESTIMONY,
$400 million of aid withheld,
Three confirmed amigos,
Two questionable phone calls,
And a whistleblower who tipped us all off.

Happy Impeachment Season, America.