Every time I conclude that I have truly lost heart for my nation, something comes along that simply reaffirms my faith in the American project. For instance, allow me to introduce you to the Deplorable Coin. I learned about the Deplorable Coin through a straightforward and perfectly deadpan press release. If you shell out $9.99 to buy one — and please, do watch the video below, so you understand what you’re getting — you’ll also receive a free copy of the Mueller Report. Which is way better than a set of Ginsu knives, with or without the 50-year warranty.
Just imagine: now you can have your very own copy of the Mueller Report! You can sit and read it just like every single Republican in Congress — well, except for Rep. Rob Woodall of Georgia, of course.
Check out the video:
Despite my best efforts, however, I must report to you that the CFR failed to persuade the PR behind this ingenious and cheeky little effort to disclose details regarding who or what is behind it. Who gets the money? Who are those actors? Is Hillary Clinton aware of her faux-doppleganger? Who designed the Deplorable Coin? And what value does it have in the open marketplace? If this thing goes viral, probably a couple of fabricated billion.
Oh, the answers are big secret, apparently. We’re talking big — gigantic — monumental. More classified than the Bell Labs project that Tony Shalhoub’s character gets booted from on The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. More classified than a presidential tax return under no IRS audit whatsoever. More secret than the contents of the concessions-from-Mexico crib-notes that Donald Trump recently waved around.
Still, it takes a creative mind to conceive of something so well-targeted in terms of goading the Orange Menace. And it speaks to the terror and tenor of our terrible Trumpian times that whoever, or whomever, is behind the Deplorable Coin, it is considered safer to remain under the shadow of anonymity. The person, or persons, who designed this coin know who they are — they just don’t want the rest of us to know that it’s them. (Maybe we should ask them about the weather in Moscow?)
The other side of the coin, if you will, is at left. Take a good, long look. You tell us this isn’t art!
So let’s play a game of unhinged speculation. In our view, the following are the 12 most likely individuals to have either conceived, created or designed the Deplorable Coin. We cordially invite you to add in your own suspects to our list.
After all, there are far too many plausible and justifiable possibilities to contain them all here.
Robert De Niro
This actually makes a great deal of sense. We know that the Oscar-winning actor loathes Trump, going so far as to use his platform on the 2018 Tony Awards to tell the world what he really thinks of him. But of equal significance, his father, Robert De Niro, Sr., was a well known abstract expressionist. Trouble is, Papa De Niro died in 1993.
Because if you painted the most exquisite portrait of any President ever, the very thought of who succeeded that President probably makes you very angry.
Who promised that he’d do something to lighten Angela Merkel’s mood.
Well, you see, after he blinded himself — that is, after he discovered he was sleeping with his mother — poor old Oed had to do something with his time. Voila! Tiresias assisted.
The Women Behind the Pussyhats
I would give full faith and credit to the entire Pussyhat Project, and probably I’d turn over my life savings to them, too.
Attorney General William Treason Barr
Some people have so many names! By the way, the reason that AG Barr can’t admit to the American people that he, and only he, is the designer of the coin is because Donald Trump invoked executive privilege. It’s all part of a reverse disinformation campaign designed to top the catastrophic Russian-influenced election fraud of 2016 with something considerably more bigly.
Who announced in June 2018 that he was getting into cryptocurrency and would call the product Deplorable Coin. If you’re Jewish or Black, by the way, you’re absolutely forbidden from buying one.
Yes, it’s true. In fact, the globally acclaimed protest artist is scheduled to drop a total of 2,016 Deplorable coins from the top of NYC’s Equitable Building on the fourth of July.
Younger Nephew of the Second Personal Assistant to Louise Linton, Third Wife of US Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin
Because he’s bored and likes to draw.
The leader of North Korea recently fed one of his former henchmen, James Bond-style, to piranhas, so he’s as plausible as designer of the Deplorable Coin as anyone else. Side note: wasn’t there an episode of the old TV show Batman with flesh-devouring piranhas? Wasn’t the guest villain called Big Tooth or Man Dibble or something? Can’t you hear Robin saying “Holy incisor, Batman!”?
Better known by his brand name, Mr. Snuffleupagus, the woolly mammoth-like creature is said to wield a paintbrush with his trunk like you wouldn’t believe. Being that he’s reddish in color, he is understood to be disenchanted with the current administration but still not sold on Biden. He also likes Buttigieg.
Because if anyone has a good reason to skewer Donald Trump, she does. You go, girl.