How to Serve Children, From the White House Cookbook

A new plan puts the tots back into Tater Tots, and the kid in Steak and Kidney Pie.

An Anne Geddes image of one of the farm-to-table children who might be able to solve two problems at once!

A Modest Proposal for Preventing the Children of Immigrants From Being a Burden to Their Parents or the Country and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public [with apologies to Jonathan Swift’s 1729 satire mocking inhumane treatment of the poor].

It is a melancholy Prospect for those who work in this Great Country when they see our borders clogged with dusky Immigrant Parents, clung to by numerous Children in rags, importuning Legal Citizens for succor. These mothers and fathers, instead of working for their Honest Livelihood, must beg mercy and sustenance for their helpless Infants; who, as they grow up, will turn Murderers, Rapists or Bloodthirsty Gang Members.

It is agreed by all Reasonable Citizens that this prodigious number of helpless Children, in the Arms, on the Backs or at the Heels of their parents, is a very Deplorable Grievance. An Enterprising Leader who imposes a Fair, Cheap and Easy Method of Making these Children Useful would deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize, as well as a much-deserved Economics Prize.

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childrenI propose to provide for these Children in such a manner that, instead of being a Charge upon their Parents or the National Budget, they will, on the contrary, Contribute to the Feeding and Clothing of many Lawful Citizens.

The thousands of Children who were seized from their Parents and housed in Compassionate Cages have already entailed great expense to taxpayers ($775 per person per night in Tent-City Shelters, according to a HHS Official). The Question is: How can this Surfeit of Souls be turned to Profit without undue Expense in providing Nutrition and Rags? I humbly propose, which I hope will not be liable to the Least Objection, that these foreign Children should themselves become Nutrients for Lawful Voters. A young, healthy Child, at a year old, is a most Delicious, Nourishing and Wholesome Food, whether stewed, roasted, baked or boiled. They will equally serve in a Fricassee or Ragout, plated with a Generous dollop of Guacamole.

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“A Tot in Every Pot!”

In this way, we can turn to Advantage their incarceration without exercise, since Lassitude in a cell will render them Plump and Fat for an excellent Comestible. Each Child will make two Dishes when entertaining Friends, and when a legal American Family dines alone, the Fore or Hind Quarter will make a reasonably filling, tasty Main Course, especially if seasoned with Russian Dressing.

The price of such a succulent Carcass will be equivalent to that of a Spring Lamb, and the Parents will receive a Fraction of the sale price — as is only just — as well as the US Government, in lieu of the costly burden of Fattening the Child.

Those Purchasers who are thrifty may flay the Carcass; the Skin of which, once dressed, will make admirable Gloves for Ladies and Tan Boots for fine Gentlemen. Butchers will not be wanting in those States whose Electoral Preferences support worthy EPA Deregulation. Indeed, Hunters who revere the National Rifle Association — finding venison in short supply due to declining habitat for deer — might substitute at their Tables the Bodies of young Lads and Lasses, not exceeding 14 years of age. Since such Youth are most likely to turn to Acts of Terror if loosed upon the Law-abiding Populace, perhaps their Flesh, well marinated, will be of best use in this manner, even though tending to be Tough and Lean, with the compensating Virtue of Lo-cal.

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Some may (very Unjustly) consider this Proposal a little bordering on Cruel, but consider its Efficacy in ridding the nation of so Grievous an Encumbrance. The Advantages will go far to accomplish our Lofty Goal of Making America Great and Well-Fed Again. It will lessen the Glut of Dangerous Enemies with whom we are Overrun. Plus, it will allot to Parents of these Illegal Minors a meager income to support them when deported to their crime-ridden Hovels in Shit-hole Countries. Further, this Solution alleviates Our Nation of the Cost of Maintenance of unwanted Hordes, besides the boon of a new tasty dish for Homes of Fortune and Refinement. As the main ingredient in BaBQ, infants will become a source of Profit rather than Expense; they will serve (and be served to) the hungry Public.

The best cuts of children are becoming delicacies!

Only consider the gastronomic Possibilities in The Art of the Meal. A flavorful Tasting Menu may offer Pancreas pancakes, Finger sandwiches, Blood sausage, and Tendon Tenders, garnished with a spritz of sweat. With 62 percent juicy Dark Meat to purvey, chefs can offer discerning diners Tongue Tartare, grilled Leg of Latino, charred Shoulder, and Short-ribs glazed with salty Tears for a lingering Nuttiness in the Finish. My Proposal puts the Tot back in Tater Tots, the Kid in Steak and Kidney Pie. Sweetmeat sliders, crispy Cranium croquettes — a veritable smorgasbord of culinary bite and depth awaits!

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Once this Proposal is enacted, the US may well Regain its Stature as World Leader. With 68.5 million Refugees displaced across the globe because of Conflict and Persecution in 2017 and, according to the United Nations Refugee agency, 25.4 million granted asylum by Countries Burdened with an Excess of refugees fleeing War, our Nueva Cocina Approach may serve to end Famine and Malnutrition Globally.

Imagine if tariff-free bodily organs — instead of requiring costly shelter and nourishment of their Human Possessors — could become a source of replenishment for Native Diners who suffer from a deficiency of Guts or Heart. Think of the boon to Nursing Mothers who sell their Yearlings! Once Suckling Babies are spiked on a Rotisserie, Mother’s Milk may instead be churned into artisanal Ice Cream, a dainty dessert of Urgent Utility now that the Milk of Human Kindness has been Eliminated from the National Diet.