Since it’s the beginning of a new year, I decided to check in with two psychics to find out their predictions for 2018. From one of my favorite psychics, Paula Roberts, The English Psychic, there’s this juicy prognostication, which New York Post columnist and gossip doyenne Cindy Adams — who has been soliciting Roberts for her predictions for years — neglected to add in her annual end of year column. Hmm. I wonder why.
Courtesy of Roberts, here’s what got cut:
Trump will be ousted from office by a woman with a brilliant man taking over.
And here are a couple of provocative predictions from another one of my go-to psychics — astrologer and medium Suzie Kerr Wright:
On Trump: “May is another rise up of conflict coming from someone he perceived as a friend, but it amounts to nothing. I still feel that at the end of 2019 he will resign once he accomplishes all that he promised and leave us with Mike Pence in charge. This will be a choice he makes due to his personal preference or possibly a health issue or a family concern but that will be hidden.”
On the US in 2018: “This year several planets in earth force us to rebuild our ideas, our ideology and our strength from the ground up. Uranus moves into the 5th house in election rules, entertainment events, public places and traditionally, ambassadors. There is likely to be an ‘explosive’ event around one of these things. I’d be cautious attending major gatherings and we will have our eyes on our embassies around the world. I am getting the hit about Spain as well. Banking and housing markets will see an extreme event as well in April. The market will be fragile for about three to four months, then begin to balance out. From Oct. 6 to Nov. 17, Venus retrograde will bring back an old ally of the country.”
And now, from the ranks of amateur psychics, here are my educated, intuitive hunches for the year:
- Every single country will hate us as a result of Trump. No, wait…
- Jeff Sessions will continue to remind people that he’s an unregenerate moron and backwards hick who wishes to transport us all to a kinder, gentler time in America — say when slavery was the backbone of the Southern economy and no one had any civil rights other than white men with money.
- Vice President Pence will also pine for the halcyon days when everyone wore pilgrim outfits and thought playing shuffleboard and drinking apple cider while eyeing the ankles of a female neighbor were serious moral transgressions worthy of being stoned to death.
- Trump will actually read something. It turns out to be an in-house memo from a staffer. The news that he read something will spread like wildfire throughout the Beltway. Many will then excitedly opine that perhaps the great Orange Bloviator has changed his ways — until an assistant discovers he was reading a Popeye’s menu that was accidentally put atop the memo.
- First Lady mannequin Melania will continue not to speak.
- Ivanka will continue to remind us of how much of a feminist she is, even though she has never done anything to help other women out.
- Jared Kushner will be indicted for whatever charges Robert Mueller levels against him. And let’s hope they stick.
Story continues below.
- Queen Elizabeth II will turn 5,679 years old while her son Prince Charles sulks as he waits impatiently for her to die. (Sorry, Chuck.)
- Princess Camilla will get even more frumpy, her supposed makeover notwithstanding.
- Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will marry in a lavish, ostentatious wedding that will put previous royal weddings to shame. There will be a snarl: before the wedding, an ex of Meghan’s will leak a sex video to one of the tabloids, sending the British royal family into a tailspin. Markle will issue an apology and be so gracious about it that she will command worldwide adulation (and elicit so many comparisons between her and Harry’s mum). In the meanwhile, her ex will be verbally tarred and feathered by the masses.
- Markle and all females in the British royal family will continue to wear the ugliest, most ridiculous hats, while William and Harry will continue to wear unattractive suits that not only make them look 20 years older, but do not fit.
Story continues below.
- ISIS continues to rain more terror attacks throughout Europe. The mayhem inspires copycat attacks both in the US and abroad.
- Trump and the Vichy Republicans will continue to talk a good game about the opioid epidemic while enacting zero legislation to control it and help the addicted. The big reason? The pharmaceutical lobby, of course.
- Instead, Trump and the Vichy Republicans will launch a comprehensively detailed gun control legislation with the kind of scope and breadth that will rival President Johnson’s groundbreaking civil rights “Great Society” legislation.
Hahahahahahah! Got ya! Here’s more:
- North Korea tyrant Kim Jong-un will continue to get bad haircuts and kill off those in his family and inner circle who haven’t already been killed off.
- The US will lead the gold in the Winter Olympics, while a few ice skaters get deductions for falling on their asses. Some well-known veteran athlete making a comeback will fail miserably, while some kid no one knows becomes a huge star and nets a slew of endorsements after the games are over.
- At the 2018 Oscars, Gary Oldman wins Best Actor for The Darkest Hour and Sairose Ronan wins Best Actress for Lady Bird.
- Margot Robbie, who could be the upset winner in the Best Actress category for I, Tonya, will bring Tonya Harding with her to the ceremony. Harding will enjoy a brief dalliance in the limelight and possibly score a book deal as a result of her comeback, before fading to semi-obscurity.
- Former President Barack Obama will have his own talk show on NPR. He will also work silently and actively behind the scenes in a bipartisan effort to facilitate the impeachment of Trump. The effort will be stonewalled by the Vichy Republicans.
- New Jersey and New York will legalize recreational marijuana in the November elections.
- One of the four remaining daytime soap operas will be cancelled.
- And finally, a famous actor will come out of the closet — and no one will care.
Calling all amateur psychics out there! What are your predictions for this year? Let me know.
Next month, I’ll be back on the TV reviewing grind, discussing FX’s The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story and TNT’s adaptation of the Caleb Carr historical thriller novel The Alienist. Until then, Happy (Foreboding) 2018!