Donald J. Tramp here, 45th President of the Uniformed States of America. I recently went undercover as King Henry XIV did when he wanted to see what was going on in England when he was king. Henry and I, you know, we have many things in common. So many things. Like me, he had many wives. Like me, he lived in a tower. Like me, he was the best at everything. He got so sick of winning.
I went undercover to find out about World Puppetry Day, which had a celebration Mon., March 21 in NYC. I thought it was going to be nasty, so nasty. I thought it was going to be so sad. I wanted to get inside the inner workings of Avenue Q, an Off-Broadway musical with puppets. You know, I was an investor in a Broadway show many years ago. It wasn’t so successful because they didn’t listen to me. Now I’m President and they’re not. I wanted to see what fake facts this Off-Broadway show professed about me and my administration. Because we’re the best administration, I believe, in history, you know. We had the biggest crowds for my inauguration. Many of them, in unbelievable numbers, many of them were puppeteers and they all had their hands up.
Undercover with me was one of my top aides, April Brucker. I’ve been with a lot of women and in the presidency they give you aides. I love having aides. Me and April, we’re outside New World Stages, where this fake Avenue Q has been on since Melania, who is the best First Lady in history, I might add, was still back in Slovania, which is very fine country, beautiful women, all I did was swallow tic-tacs. We saw, let me tell you, we saw every member of the fake, biased, liberal news media there, except for one woman who knew all the protesters against me at Trump Tower — which doesn’t bother me, by the way,. why should it bother me? — were hired by George Soros, who knows something about puppetry, let me tell you, believe me. This woman, let me tell you, she knew the anthrax vaccine was supported by my former opponent, and supported by a doctor who supported Sharia Law, and that’s why we need tough immigration laws to make America great again. This woman told me the deadliest branch of Isis is located in Sweden, and they’re called ABBA.
The press conference began, it was so sad. So sad. There were liberal puppets of color, all the crybabies favoring fur. There were a few working puppets working to make puppetry — and America — yes, we’re going to make the swamp great again. That’s not a racist statement: I’m friends with African American, Dr. Ben Larson. There is a smart black man. You’ll love him. You’ve seen his face on those rice boxes? Thanks Ben, are you here? Thanks, Ben, thanks.
A woman named Mrs. Thistletwat — I don’t like the press, they’re very unfair to me, fake news, fake puppetry news. Despite Mrs. Thistletwat’s purple color — which under usual circumstances make her eligible for extreme vetting and deportation — I found her trustworthy. She admitted out loud, most members of the Q-munity were products of public education, I couldn’t believe it. We’re going to have the best education system in this country. Betsy, are you here, baby? Betsy, are you here? Betsy DeVos, let me tell you. Betsy DeVos has an incredible plan, an incredible plan to mix school choice with a daily dose of Kool-Aid and together we’re going to make America drain the swamp again.
I shouldn’t have trusted Mrs. Thistletwat, our security agencies were telling us, she uses is a possible alias to avoid deportation due to her grape color and her answer when I asked about Social Security. We are not cutting Social Security and Medicare for puppets under Trampcare. Mrs. Twistletwat, what a name, she said my question, the question at this press conference, was the best one she’d had and that I understood — I like Florida. Maybe I’ll fly her down to Mar-a-Lego before I deport her. I don’t know. I almost feel guilty cutting her Meals on Wheels.
Then I saw a puppet impersonating me. He said he wanted to build a puppet wall around Avenue Q. It would be a big, beautiful wall. Later I talked to my dopple-gangbanger up close. I told him his hands were small. He told me my hands were small. We measured: his hands were actually smaller than mine, and my hands are yuge, believe me, I have the best hands. Believe me.
I also spoke to puppet Hillary. Nasty puppetry. Nasty, nasty puppetry. Like my former opponent, she denied all knowledge of and skirted questions about her emails. When I pointed out that her husband slept with the ugly sister of Miss Piggy, she denied all knowledge, but it’s a fact, he did. Then a handler, possibly John Podesta, took her away and puppet Hillary disappeared, supposedly another press conference. I overheard her saying my handler was a ventriloquist. I am real. There is no ventriloquist behind me. That is an alternative fact. Nasty, nasty puppet. Sad! Loser! Believe me.
We need to give more money to the arts so they can stage more productions talking about the incredible puppetry job my administration is doing.
I have no regrets going undercover because Donald J. Tramp doesn’t regret anything, but I should have offered to make Lucy the Slut my fourth wife. I’d have taken her furniture shopping to prove I was a celebrity. I’d have moved on her like a bitch. I wouldn’t wait, when you’re a star they let you do it — you can do anything. Grab her by the puppet pussy. Then April told me too much fur.