Super Trump: The Capped Crusader from Queens


I am finally won over because I now know that our hero, our very own Donald J. Trump from Queens, New York, can fix every problem this country faces. As we all know, he inherited not just $100 million from his dad but a real mess from Obama. Thanks, Obama.

I now know that this country is in a downward spiral of an urban dumpster fire — Detroit, Chicago and Baltimore burning in a hellish landscape straight out of Dante’s ninth level of hell. From what Trump sees on the TV — as he sits alone in his bathrobe — those cities are all aflame, and Trump, only Trump, with his Red Cape of Freedom, can fix this unholy mess, believe me. I keep imagining Obama going upstairs to a residence full of family, dinner, laughter and a homey feeling. Then I imagine Trump’s lonely, dark, dystopian nights with only Fox on TV and a steak cooked to concrete.

Story continues below.

No, I did not watch Trump’s heroic reading of someone else’s prepared statements to a Joint Session of Congress the other night. I cannot listen to him speak for more than a minute without feeling like I’m living in an alternate universe where flimflam men are rewarded with the ultimate prize, Steve Bannon’s mentorship the Presidency. But I did read the transcript, which you can find here. Read it if you dare.

Were Ross’s feet cold? Maybe that’s why they call him Wilburrrrr.

As I went through the speech, I highlighted some of the most ridiculous points made by our cartoon President. Such as: “Dying Industries will come roaring back to life.” I assume that Trump means all those clean energy coal mining jobs? Never mind that, for in contrast to all of those out-of-work miners who sadly voted for this charlatan, his Commerce Secretary, Wilbur Ross, celebrated wealth inequality by wearing a thoroughly inappropriate $600 pair of velvet loafers to the speech. Ironically, the same loafers are also owned by his fellow cartoon tycoon, Charles Montgomery Burns. Because nothing says “Hey, Coal Miners, I get you and I’m here for you and I understand your pain” like Palm Beach-preppy slippers with a custom Commerce Department logo on them that are worth at least a month’s mortgage on one coal miner’s soon-to-be-foreclosed house.

Trump’s belief that coal will roar back — along with the sludge that he’ll allow to be dumped into once-clean rivers — is as ridiculous as his boast that his fierce word skills are causing major companies and industries to keep jobs in this country:

Since my election, Ford, Fiat-Chrysler, General Motors, Sprint, Softbank, Lockheed, Intel, Walmart, and many others, have announced that they will invest billions and billions of dollars in the United States and will create tens of thousands of new American jobs.

Actually, these decisions were made months or years ago, not in the last few weeks because of Donny’s incredible, super-hero-like negotiating skills.

Story continues below.

Trump’s speechwriters demonized Muslims in the speech, of course, because it’s low-hanging fruit and it gets his supporters excited and Trump craves their adulation. Never mind facts or running the risk of being called a liar for the 4,000,000th time, like when he said:

According to data provided by the Department of Justice, the vast majority of individuals convicted of terrorism and terrorism-related offenses since 9/11 came here from outside of our country.

This is demonstrably false and easily disproven. According to Global Research, “the mass shootings that have captivated America’s attention killed 66 Americans, twice as many fatalities as from Muslim-American terrorism in all 11 years since 9/11.”


Then, on cue, Trump’s speechwriters had him continue his fatuous and fictitious whining about how immigration costs America billions of dollars. I’m not exactly sure from where his speechwriters got the number; Trump attributed it to the National Academy of Sciences, but I think he got it from the National Academy of Bullshit. True immigration reform, real research shows, would actually decrease the federal deficit and increase new businesses, thus adding to our overall economic health. Maybe those speechwriters’ estimations might actually reflect the true cost of Trump’s deportation plans, from the cost of building his wall to the cost of its maintenance to hiring more ICE and border patrol officers to building detention centers to flying, busing and/or driving undocumented persons to their country of birth, or at least to Mexico even if they’re not Mexican, plus the cost of all the shuttered business, all the housing for orphaned children, all the lost sales tax revenue and all the fruits and vegetables dying on the vine when there’s no one around for seasonal harvesting.

Then Trump and his speechwriters hit on their ultimate hot topic: healthcare. The Affordable Care Act, which many of Trump supporters rely on (despite fighting against it back in 2009), is actually working. While not perfect — there are certainly areas to fix, like prescription costs — the ACA has afforded 20 million people health insurance who didn’t have it before, thus saving untold lives. But, as Trump said, the ACA — or as it’s lovingly known, Obamacare — is set to drive 20 million people off a cliff of high prices caused by the “imploding Obamacare Disaster.” This is what it really boils down to: the GOP’s contempt for Obama. For Trump, I suspect what drives him is soul-crushing jealousy.

Story continues below.

The GOP has had seven years to formulate a replacement plan for the ACA. What they have is nothing. Speaker of the House and fitness model Paul Ryan, who’d gladly repeal the ACA with no replacement if he could get it through Congress, seriously doesn’t care what happens to anyone outside his Janesville, WI hometown. What’s his grand idea? A health savings account! He really thinks a family of four on minimum-wage jobs (if they’re lucky enough to have one) will have enough money left over from each paycheck to put aside for their monthly healthcare premium!

Ryan’s outline — and yes, it’s apparently an outline, not an actual plan, which is maybe why Kentucky Senator Rand Paul has been continually denied access to even read the document — leans “heavily on tax credits to finance individual insurance purchases” and sharply reduces “federal payments to the 31 states that have expanded Medicaid eligibility.” It can’t be that Ryan doesn’t understand the math: If you reduce federal payments to states in order to cover those who are on the Medicaid expansion, then those states won’t pick up the tab, thus ensuring that millions of Americans will lose their insurance and fast.

Ryan’s plan outline is flawed and cruel. Without the mandate in the ACA, there won’t be payments from young, healthy people to cover costs for older, less healthy people. The premiums to cover people who choose to go without insurance would skyrocket. States will lose funding, hospitals will lose money and people will — no exaggeration — die.

Story continues below.

But the most astonishingly oblivious statement given for Trump to read underscores how far removed from reality he is:

First, we should ensure that Americans with pre-existing conditions have access to coverage, and that we have a stable transition for Americans currently enrolled in the healthcare exchanges. Secondly, we should help Americans purchase their own coverage, through the use of tax credits and expanded Health Savings Accounts — but it must be the plan they want, not the plan forced on them by the Government.

Access to healthcare, in other words, is like access to Tiffany’s: it’s right there in front of me, I can see it, I can touch it, but I still can’t afford it.

What wasn’t shocking about the President’s speech was his ignorance on every single subject. We knew this. But it should still worry everyone that he doesn’t read books and that he gets all of his information from cable news — mostly Fox. What’s disheartening is this man with no ideology, no self-awareness of his ignorance and no interest in becoming informed. He’s an empty vessel, filled up daily by the closest voice. He has no idea what it takes to be President, so he surrounds himself with people as ignorant and empty as he is, who all get to “play President.” He ran a family business where everyone told him how great he was as others did the actual work. He’s now running our government the same way, and gave a speech written by acolytes, with endless platitudes and self-congratulations.

When she digs her heels in, she really digs her heels in.

One recent photograph — I bet you already know the one — stands out to me as a symbol of Trumpism: KellyAnne Conartist Conway sitting on a couch in the Oval Office, her shoes behind her ass. She looked like she was at home relaxing — probably after a long night of creating alternative facts – getting ready to tweet a she reaches for her first glass of rosé. That picture tells me all that I need to know. This one picture shows us all that in the sacred Oval Office — at that moment full of the prestigious leaders of Historically Black Universities and Colleges — Conway showed who’s the boss. Her rudeness, her condescension — they proved that she can sit anywhere she pleases, any way that she pleases, and no one will tell her no. I look at the picture and try to imagine myself sitting like that in a room full of men and wonder how she gracefully disentangled herself without showing her pussy. Maybe that was her objective all along.