► Puppet President Prods Perplexed APAP

We all know he’s Vladimir Putin’s personal puppet, though we’re still not sure what Vlad and his glad-handing Russian friends call him now that he’s in the White House. Mr. Puppet? Mr. Puppet President? My Personal Pravda? Whatever they call him, Americans know who’s really pulling the strings.

I’m referring, of course, to the one and only Donald J. Tramp, the imbecilic dummy-to-end-all-dummies who tormented exhibitors at the annual convention of the Association of Performing Arts Presenters, which wrapped up last week at the New York Hilton. I was press credentialed to conduct an on-camera interview with APAP’s President and CEO, Mario Garcia Durham, but to be honest, everybody looked kind of terrified. I couldn’t figure out why.

Then suddenly, not far from the convention floor, a man came running toward me at full speed, one arm flailing and his other hand tight against his crotch. One couldn’t help but stare. As he ran past, he cried, “That puppet grabbed my pussy!” I turned, and yes, it was Mr. Tramp himself.

Well, it seemed everybody at APAP had spotted Mr. Tramp, who was accompanied by the brave April Brucker, who unfortunately has to put her hand way up whenever the new president needs something.

You may remember Brucker from an incident we covered here at the CFR nine months ago — when the hulking, macho security team at 30 Rockefeller Plaza barred her from standing outside the studio of The Today Show because Mr. Tramp — then just a candidate and hidden inside of his box — apparently posed a threat to Matt Lauer’s dignity. Imagine if they watched his interviews.

Mr. Tramp proved true to form. His vocabulary maxes out at 10 words; eight of them are “Yuge.” He’s a sexist, racist, xenophobic, misogynist pig. But then again, as he pointed out, that’s how you capture the the sexist, racist, xenophobic, misogynist red-state-sucker vote in America these days. Mr. Tramp told me he was visiting the APAP convention as part of a “charm offensive.” Lolz, one out of two ain’t bad. When I asked if he’d like to film a few segments, he told me to go fuck myself. Wait a minute: why was that other guy’s pussy good enough to grab and not mine? Brucker said she was also sick of Mr. Tramp, but she had her hand full.

They went off to interview some exhibitors, as you’ll see below. As for me, I had a kool konversation with a Khloé Kardashian klone. No idea what her talent is, but she got booked.