My Fantasy 2016 Presidential Brackets


I hope everyone had a peaceful holiday because things are about to get Presidential! It’s barely 22 months to Election Day 2016, and we’re finally getting to hear and see who wants to run for their party’s nominations. The horse race usually begins the day after the last Presidential election, and 2016 is no exception: the 2016 campaign kicked off on Nov. 6, 2012. But now that it’s literally days away — 662, to be exact — let’s start the speculation circus right now. We have no time to waste!

Yes we can. Again.
Yes we can? Again?

First: the Democrats
It’s Hillary. Move on. Unless you have some extra time.

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The Democrats picked their winner, “Hillary2016!,” on Nov. 5, 2008. Bumper stickers and lawn signs were made and stored, slogans were created, and the Pantsuit Mafia has been greased up and ready for political warfare ever since. It’s her time! She deserves it! She’s earned it!

Yes, ladies, we get it: 40 years of her slow march to the White House.

Forget Elizabeth Warren: the Pantsuite Mafia will not lose a second election. They will crush her and Hillary won’t pick her as a running mate. There is only one Lady Lion per den, bitches.

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Next: Our Crazy, Slightly Drunk Cousins, the Tea Party
Oh, the Tea Party. Or as I like to think of it: The Live Free or Die (Unless You Want an Abortion, Access to Women’s Reproductive Health or Get Gay Married) Party. No doubt they’ll rally around their darlings, Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas and Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida.

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Actual Tea Partiers. (Warning: do not attempt this trick yourself.)
Actual Tea Partiers. (Warning: do not attempt this trick at home.)

Cruz is a Canadian (Reverse Birtherism, anyone?), and Rubio is still being mocked for WaterBottleGate. Poor Rubio: he’s the guy in school who desperately wants to fit in, but no one really likes. His best chance to be relevant is to be a possible vice president. But sorry, Marco: no one likes you.

One can only hope and pray that Rick “Santorum” Santorum will throw his Abstinence Handbook into the ring and run again like he did in 2012. At the very least, you can count on “Santorum” Santorum, Sarah Palin and Herman Mark of Cain to continue lucrative careers making nonsensical political statements and cashing those nonsensical paychecks no matter what happens.

And there’s a new crop of crazy just behind them! Ben Carson is the new improved version of The Black Face of the Conservative Party. That is, he’s the Republicans’ Black Friend. And why not? Carson is smart, hates Obummer and he’s a doctah! Then again, when Bloomberg View publicly slams you and you’re apologizing for blatant plagiarism in your 2012 book America the Beautiful, you have little chance to win the presidency. Add this some of Carson’s most outlandish comments

…my thoughts are that marriage is between a man and a woman. It’s a well-established, fundamental pillar of society and no group, be they gays, be they NAMBLA, be they people who believe in bestiality. It doesn’t matter what they are. They don’t get to change the definition. …it’s not something that is against gays, it’s against anybody who wants to come along and change the fundamental definitions of pillars of society…

and this…

Obamacare is really I think the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery… And it is in a way, it is slavery in a way, because it is making all of us subservient to the government, and it was never about health care. It was about control.

…and Carson really opens himself to national ridicule. Not wanting to crap on our veterans, Carson also opined this way about our nation’s disgraceful problems with the Veterans Administration:

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I think what’s happening with the veterans is a gift from God to show us what happens when you take layers and layers of bureaucracy and place them between the patients and the health care provider.

Thanks, Big Ben. Those and other head-shakers are why the Democrats and some moderates will slice him up and serve his soft parts to the rich folks at Mitt Romney’s next fundraiser.

This image is only 47 percent inaccurate.
This image is only 47 percent accurate.

Which Brings Us to Even More of the GOP Lineup!
Mitt! Mitt! Mitt! So, here we go again; third time is the charm. Romney is now apparently running, with wife Ann’s presumed blessing, though I don’t believe she really gave it. The rationale? Besides a certain Bush not exactly beating around his surname, apparently there are ideas and political stances and all manners of thought that Romney never got to impart to us during his two previous attempts at the White House. Or maybe he thinks he’s the next Nixon — minus the criminality and shameful exit. Or maybe he thinks he’s a manlier Susan Lucci, the daytime star who, after losing 19 times, finally won her Daytime Emmy. Fine with me: he’ll lose again and then he can go back to enjoying his car elevator in La Jolla.

Scott! Scott! Scott! As in Walker, governor of Wisconsin, who is a safe bet to run but won’t get far due to his state’s recall vote in 2010. While he did, yes, win that recall vote — and reelection this past November — he is enough of a sore spot for Democrats that they’ll beat him with that recall as evidence of political weakness. Walker is virulently anti-union; his policies will nudge the national unions to attach themselves bodily to the Democrats in order to crucify him during the primaries. His record on women’s issues is shameful. Walker promised jobs in Wisconsin…where are they?

We set a big goal of creating 250,000 jobs because I know Wisconsin can do great things.

When there was just a few months left in Walker’s first term, private sector employment had risen by 111,000 — or 44 percent of the 250,000 figure he promised. Sorry Scott: 44 percent is not a record to run on. Just ask Mitt “47 percent” Romney.

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Chris! Chris Chris! As in Christie, Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey. Hahahaha! Sorry, I just had to add him so I could get it out there. Seriously? Never.

Jeb Bush Speaks At The Reagan Library About His New Book
“But no one knows me yet!”

Jeb! Jeb! Jeb! As in Bush, former governor of Florida, who only has one problem: he’s a big Bush — big brother to George W. In fact, six years after Bush 43 left the presidency, this nation still has a bitter, smoky aftertaste of that man choking us in the back of our throats. Poor Jeb really has quite the shoes to fill. First, starting in 1988, we had Scary Bush, George H.W., who ran the CIA. Then came Stupid Bush, Dubya, who ran the U.S. into the ground. And now, magically, we get Smarty Bush, who ran Florida for awhile and left it unharmed — albeit with a walker and a list of complaints.

Well, it’s too late, Jeb. The Bush train left. The (war)ship sailed. Divesting yourself of your private equity stakes and resigning from your board positions won’t make them any less real, and marrying a Latina won’t make you a hero of immigration activists, either. And quitting Tenet Healthcare Corp., a company that has profited from Obamacare? See how that works for you as the GOP markets its message of repeal — not repeal and replace. Jeb is still considered too moderate by the Tea Partiers — and remember Moderate Mitt of Massachusetts? To win the GOP primary, Romney had to turn so far tight he actually risked tipping over! Jeb, people still like you — so you have that built-in advantage over Rubio — and they see you as the Smarty Bush and they do want to be your friend. But step into this race and poof! All that goodwill will be gone. You’ll be ruined. You’ll essentially be your brother to voters. And we all know that will kill you on the inside. Save yourself, Jeb. Save yourself now.

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Who’s left? No one important. That’s the lineup for now. But it’s early days yet, we have time to do the draft for our Fantasy Presidential Campaign League! Who’s in?