After the Longest Red Carpet in Emmy History

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Sofia Vergara and Television Academy CEO Bruce Rosenblum. via/

It was the longest red carpet in Emmy history and it might also have been the longest night in Emmy history! Seth Meyers? Meh! Why wasn’t the host Jimmy Kimmel? Now he’s funny! Melissa McCarthy was funnier. Jon Hamm was funnier. My mother’s funeral was funnier.

All right, all right, here are some of the highlights and lowlights:

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Sofia Vergara and Television Academy CEO Bruce Rosenblum. via/
Spin cycle: Sofia Vergara and Television Academy CEO Bruce Rosenblum. / via

Julianna Margulies, a class act, took home a much-deserved Emmy for The Good Wife. The show was ignored in the Best Drama Series category even as it nabbed acting nominations for Josh Charles, Christine Baranski and Dylan Baker (for playing uber-creepy Colin Sweeney). Plus, the casting director for The Good Wife, Mark Saks, won an Emmy this year — last year it was his casting of Carrie Preston, as Elsbeth Tascioni, that won her an Emmy for Guest Actress in a Drama Series.

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Sofia Vergara is something rare in Hollywood these days: an actress with star quality. She’s beautiful, she’s talented, she’s funny as hell and she has a great, er, well, what shall we call it? “Onstage presence”? What can any of us possibly say about her performance as an Emmy statue?

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While I’m trying to come up with the words, let’s let the clip tell the full story:

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Kathy Bates grabbing that statue
No horror: Kathy Bates. / via

One of my favorite awards of the evening went to Oscar-winner-turned-TV-star Kathy Bates — for Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or a Movie, for American Horror Story. She’s a gem of an actor of whom I’ve been a huge fan since I saw her in the play ‘Night Mother on Broadway 30 years ago. Bates and fellow American Horror Story cast-mate and Emmy-winner (Lead Actress, same category) Jessica Lange are proof positive that over 60 is the place to be.

Speaking of women who can do no wrong, Allison Janney won two — count‘em, two! — Emmys, for Guest Actress in a Drama Series for Masters of Sex and for Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for Mom. Put her together with Emmy presenter Octavia Spencer — who had a four-episode arc on Mom last season — and they’re one bank robbery away from a jail cell. They better spring Spencer’s character and bring her back to Mom next season!

And it’s Julia Louis-Dreyfus again for Lead Actress in a Comedy Series — that makes her third consecutive Emmy for Veep — and I say: seriously?

And it’s Jim Parsons again for Lead Actor in a Comedy Series for The Big Bang Theory — that makes four consecutive Emmys — and I say: yay!

And it’s Modern Family again for Comedy Series — that makes five consecutive Emmys, tying the record set by Frasier in the ’90s– and I say one more time: seriously?

Don’t get me wrong. I love Modern Family, but hellooooooo: Big Bang Theory? There’s a reason these actors are going to get $1 million an episode. As for Louis-Dreyfus, what do people see in her? I didn’t get it during Seinfeld and I didn’t get it during The New Adventures of Old Christine and I don’t get it now.

And kudos to Benedict Cumberbatch (Leading Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie, Sherlock), Martin Freeman (Supporting Actor, same category, same show) and Sarah Silverman (stoned out of her mind). An especially big congratulations to Bryan Cranston, Aaron Paul, Anna Gunn and Breaking Bad for going out in a blaze of glory!

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Where to even begin?
Where to even begin?

Best Moment: The Normal Heart winning for Best TV Movie, the standing ovation that so deservedly went with it and the look of joy on Margulies’ face as she announced the win. My big question: What happened to all the other Normal Heart nominees? Gone the way of all the Orange is the New Black nominees I suppose, save for Uzo Aduba, who won the Emmy for Guest Actress in a Comedy Series.

Worst Outfit:
Lena Dunham. Looking like a Barbie Doll who exploded into a roll of pink toilet paper, she looked like Astor’s pet horse, as my late mother would say. Yet another design Emmy for Helen Keller.

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Worst Moment:
Need I repeat myself? Seth Meyers. Bo-ring. I’d rather have a colonoscopy! But wait, I found something even worse than Seth Meyers: Weird Al Yankovic. Who booked him?

No Words:
All Billy Crystal said about Robin Williams. His tribute was the most touching eulogy that I can remember at the Emmys and knowing Billy as I have for almost 50 years, I know how hard this must have been for him.