Dispatches from the War on Women

KY Secretary of State Alison Lundergan Grimes shoots at the range.

Equal Smeaqual
I’m far too busy to notice I’m getting shafted in my paycheck every two weeks. Paycheck fairness is for whiners and single gals (read: spinsters) who have all the time in the world to take a good look at their checks. I jest, but not really. I mean, us little women are a quarter shorter, so why not get paid 25 percent to 35 percent less than men? Men eat more; they need bigger cars because their legs are longer; they need more material for their clothes. Come on ladies, pick up your kids and quit bitching! Speaking for us all (because we are much too busy) is RedState Women Executive Editor Cari Christman. She told an interviewer with WFAA’s Inside Texas Politics what every woman feels about equal pay.  I think.

Women join the war on women. (Photo by The Radical Housewife)

“We believe that Texas women want and deserve equal pay,” Christman admitted. “But honestly, Jason, we don’t believe the Lilly Ledbetter Act is what’s going to solve that problem for women. We believe that women want real-world solutions to this problem, not more rhetoric.” Well, that clears it up.

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She continued: “Women are extremely busy. We lead busy lives, whether working professionally, whether we’re working from home, and times are extremely busy. It’s a busy cycle for women, and we’ve got a lot to juggle. And so when we look at this issue we think, what’s practical? And we want more access to jobs. We want to be able to get a higher education degree at the same time that we’re working or raising a family. That’s common sense, and we believe that real-world solution is a more practical way to approach the problem. And times are extremely busy. It’s just — it’s a busy cycle for women, and we’ve got a lot to juggle.”

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See? We’re busy! Too busy to worry about working three more months a year just to make up what we lost to the men. Too busy to sue my employer based on the current law. Ha! Try that and watch how fast you are 1) fired and 2) bankrupted by lawyers fees. But that’s OK, because we ladies really don’t want to worry about things like money, respect and equality. So when the Paycheck Fairness Act of 2014 came up for a vote last week, every single member of the GOP voted for my interest and said no. No to more money in my pockets; no to more money to feed my kids (well, my dog); no to more money going into the economy; no to lifting millions of households headed by women out of poverty and no to fairness and equality in employment.  Well, screw them, they weren’t going to vote for the GOP anyway.

The Big Easy (Literally)
Louisiana is the best place to be a politician. The list is almost endless with colorful characters who get caught in various nefarious schemes and just get re-elected. Take the infamous Huey Long, aka “The Kingfish,” who was actually assassinated and not because of his scandals. There was the hooker-loving David “I’m a Christian but I like wearing dirty diapers” Vitter who is actually running for governor this year after winning a U.S. Senate seat. Of course, we can’t leave out my favorite three-time governor, Edwin Edwards, not known as much for his money laundering with the Koreans and kickbacks but for his famous line:  “The only way I can lose this election is if I get caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy.” Recently, this 85-year-old gem and his 35-year-old wife had a reality show called “The Governor’s Wife” on A&E that was, unfortunately, canceled.  Of course, each of these men is all devout Christians, self-described family men, embracing conservative principles and oddly beloved by their constituents.

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Vance McAllister
Republican Congressman Vance McAllister from Louisiana

That is, except Vance McAllister, the newly elected self-described outsider Tea Party candidate. He won in a special election just this past November and famously brought that enlightened Super Christian, Willie “Duck Dynasty” Robertson to the State of the Union address.

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McAllister is such a godly man, he bragged about how he and his wife and five kids love to make a big breakfast every Sunday morning before heading off to church. What a family man. He likes to paint himself as the ultimate outsider in Washington. Just a good ol’ boy goin’ to Warshington to show ‘em how it’s done.  Especially how to cheat on your wife.

I’m sure the video that leaked out of him giving a seemingly endless mouthy kiss to a staff member was a lesson in what not to do. But if not, all he has to do to keep his seat is to beg forgiveness for his mistake, cry a bit, promise to work hard to gain trust back, turn back to God, etc.… Everything except tell the truth. If he wanted to be the first honest Louisiana politician, his speech would go like this:  “Hi, I’m Vance M. and I’m a cheater. I knowingly and without thought to my wife, kids, constituents, and donors, had a long and super sexy affair with my scheduler. Her husband is a close friend who donates lots of cash. Sorry, dude.  I did not care about him either. I don’t really go to church; I don’t really believe anything I say; it’s just to get elected. So… Vote Vance in November!  McAllister is not resigning. He is going ahead and running for the seat in the general election in November. Make your decision Vance, the sharks are circling.

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Bitch Fight
I’m not sure how I ended up on Mitch McConnell’s Facebook page the other night. I have found the Internet to be a wormhole. If you are not careful, you can end up thousands of miles from where you began, feeling woozy, thirsty and lost. Wow, he is just getting hammered by people who do not like him. Granted, I have an unhealthy fascination with the Alison Lundergan Grimes/Mitch McConnell Senate race. It’s got everything: A cranky old grandpa and a smart, attractive (yes, I said it) mom running for one of Kentucky’s U.S. Senate seats.  The seat currently has the McConnell’s butt prints. The fight has been nasty, sexist and stupid. A Washington Times opinion piece written by a McConnell supporter ran when everyone thought Ashley Judd was going to launch her campaign. The title reads:  Hollywood challenges Kentucky as stars shine on Grimes! This op-ed is so insulting the writer essentially tries to downplay Grime’s job as the Kentucky Secretary of State as this job description:

“…which sounds considerably grander than it actually is. Her duties include registering trademarks, supervising the printing of ballots, keeping the archive of land grants, keeping up with the honorary ‘Kentucky colonels’ appointed by the governor. She’s the Official Keeper of the Great Seal of Kentucky.”

He also says Grimes is smiling and chirping her way across the state. Seriously? Chirping? Then here comes the line that the publication was just too lazy to edit out: “She’s an actress who wants to play senator, and that’s why Hollywood can’t get enough of her.” The writer was so lazy and indifferent to his readers, he didn’t even bother to edit his own article.

But it’s the last line which is the piggish ending to one of the most overtly condescending, sexist piece of crap I have ever had the displeasure of reading. “Mrs. Grimes is no doubt a nice lady, but Hollywood values, such as they are, do not connect with Kentucky values. Any idea that she could come to Washington to accurately represent Kentucky would only be an act.”

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Alison Grimes WTwitter
Alison Lundergan Grimes issues an invitation to Senator Mitch McConnell (Alison Grimes Twitter)

A nice lady. Well, this nice lady is kicking the shit out of good old McConnell. So she may be a sweet mom with a job as a simple secretary, but the men in Kentucky might want to watch how they insult us little women. We are watching and we are voting.