You know the saying “time flies when you are having fun?” Well, we must have been having an insane amount of fun because it appears to be 2016 and we are in full presidential race mode. We have candidates! Hillary, Wendy, Kirsten! Elizabeth! (Warren, not me) Santorum, Perry, Ryan, Rubio, Trump! Oh and let’s not forget that Canadian Ted Cruz, finally the Democrats can be Birthers! And what would a presidential race be without a Paul. This year, it’s Rand Paul following in his father’s libertarian, albeit much crazier, footsteps. In fact it was only three years ago, in 2013 that Rand started swinging and decided to take hits at the “Bacon King” Chris Christie. Of course, Christie is sitting this one out as he is still recovering from his third lap band surgery. Apparently, he took the title “King of Bacon” too literally.
Republican Party Chairman Sean Hanni…I mean Reince Priebus decided to move the GOP convention earlier, to June instead of late August, in part to reduce the number of GOP primary debates and shrink the primary season. I think it was because this will give them more time to clean up any embarrassing Surprise Speaker Stunts like the hilarious Clint Eastwood stunt of 2012.
Seriously, I feel as though I have leapt through time and matter, got sucked through a wormhole, whizzed by 2014, 2015 and got spat out directly into 2016. The 24/7 news cycles have finally run out of news, or maybe it’s simply the dearth of real news in the summer that leads to a non-stop feverish game of “Pick Your Candidates.” Yet the August town halls Republican politicians are hosting are refreshingly passé, so 2012, as the birthers roll out their brand of crazy again.
Remember this guy? Rep. Pat “I Don’t’ Give A Shit” Pollard? But upon closer inspection, it appeared the GOP were on the ropes during those meet and greets with their constituents. They were actually being called on to explain to their voting base why they were not willing to shut down the government if Obamacare is defunded. They found what it was like to dare to disagree with the absolutist Tea Patriots in their party. The base they had courted for the last 4 years was now turning on them. And when old White people get angry, the signs get…well…more badly spelled and grammatically challenged. For the first time, Republicans, in their own home districts were on the hot seat as Obamacare supporters were demanding to be heard.
Back in 2013, the GOP was so appalled at CNN and NBC for their decisions to broadcast Hillary infomercial/TV movie/miniseries they threatened to boycott the debates on those stations. EGADS! However would I get thru the political year(s) with only 128 GOP debates??? How would I know the candidates if not for the special questions only CNN and NBC could ask? Except that as usual, the GOP didn’t look under the hood to check actual facts. The major fact being that, according The Hollywood Reporter (kinda the Wall Street Journal for Tinseltown), FOX was actually working with NBC Entertainment to produce it!
So, now it’s 2016 and despite Republicans in Congress voting to recall Obamacare 563 times, the new healthcare law is up and running, people are getting checkups, staying healthy and that pesky preventative care that came at no cost to the insured has saved billions of dollars that would have been spent on more extensive medical costs. Electric cars are the new norm, immigrants have not been branded (yet) with the Mark of the Beast and even Kentucky decided science, not fantasy should be taught in the schools.
As a bonus, Liz Cheney was shown a Wyoming kick in the ass back to Virginia! Yet, some things never change, Rick Perry still doesn’t know much. “There are many other states that embrace those conservative values, the approach we’ve taken over the years,” Perry said, “I’m in one today – Florida.” “We’re in Louisiana,” an onlooker yelled back.
The Republican Presidential line up includes those superstars in the Land of Ignorance including Rick “Oops I did it again” Perry, Rick “Google It” Santorum, Calgary Teddy Cruz, and Marco “My parents were maybe political refugees, but not really” Rubio is giving me a political orgasm. Don’t Stop, Oh God, please don’t stop!
In 2016, women have had enough of the ultrasound wands being shoved up our vagina anytime we see a doctor, even for an eye exam, because male politicians care so much for our health and of course know what’s best for us. In 2016 a record number of women are running for local offices because they see their lives and freedom to make private personal decisions being taken away from them by men determined to put them back in the kitchen pregnant and drinking boxed wine.
On the Democratic side, we have The Hillary Megabus Ladies in Pantsuits Unite Campaign because Hillary is not one to retire and garden. I’m okay with that, because in 2024, when her two terms are done, the new generation will be ready to take over. Texas’ Wendy Davis, still wearing her pink sneakers, Massachusetts’ Elizabeth Warren, still wiping the smirks off the financial industry, and New York State’s Kirsten Gillibrand, who single-handedly stopped all sexual violence against women in the military. My only problem will be who will get my vote. I pick all three. Oh Dear God, I just wormholed myself into 2024!