
My Michelle.
Is it just a coincidence that Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann announced that she would not run for reelection about 10 minutes after Minnesota became the 12th state to vote for marriage equality? Is it possible that May 15 — the day of the vote in Minneapolis — actually broke my Michele? Banning marriage to those she does not approve of has been the focal point of a career spent calling for spiritual warfare against the evils of same-sex marriage.
“You see if we retreat from our values and fail to make the case on issues like marriage — because it is one man, one woman — because God said it is,” she proclaimed at a conference. “Not because it’s poll tested — because God said it is.” (Recently, three religious educators debunked Bachmann’s claim in a new and well-researched report. Not that facts matter to pure ideologues.
Anyway, with Minnesota’s legislators having voted with their conscience and their hearts, I wonder if my Michele cried that night, cried for all the gays who will get married and destroy America and destroy all those heterosexual marriages. I mean, we’ve seen that happen in the states that have legalized gay marriage, right? Man-woman marriages suddenly exploded! Fell apart! Destroyed! I know I’m being sarcastic!
No, what probably happened was that my Michele — realizing that her husband, Marcus, is as gay as Liberace as rumored — realized she was in a gay marriage herself and that it was working!

No, I’m kidding. Who knows the actual reason she decided not to seek a fourth term. Her rambling Facebook video was as incoherent as we have come to expect from her. She said, “The law limits anyone from serving as president of the United States for more than eight years, and in my opinion, well, eight years is also long enough for an individual to serve as a representative for a specific Congressional district.”
Non. Sense. If my Michele thought she could win a fourth term, I have no doubt she would have tried. This is a woman who relishes the spotlight and tries to get in front of the cameras as often as possible. This is a woman unafraid to say exactly what is on her mind and does not fear the consequences of her, at times, insane remarks.
But I do believe there are two reasons she is staying home after this term is up. The first reason is Jim Graves, the Democrat who came thisclose to beating Bachmann in 2012, losing by only 4,300 votes while being outspent 12 to 1. Graves’ decision to run against her once more in 2014 evidently spooked a woman clearly not used to losing, or fearing losing. There is no doubt that this time Graves was poised to beat my Michele soundly and the Democratic Congressional Committee was licking its chops over a Graves-Bachmann rematch.
But then, upon hearing of Bachmann’s decision, Graves caved. He told the Minnesota Post,
(Note to George W. Bush: That is how one uses the term “Mission Accomplished.”)
The second reason Bachmann is not running for reelection is the FBI investigation into the finances of her 2012 presidential campaign, specifically payments to an Iowa campaign aide and Iowa state Sen. Kent Sorenson (R), as well as the improper use of Bachmann’s PAC funds to pay for the political director of that campaign. She, of course, denies all wrongdoing.
And speaking of doing wrong, Bachmann kept very busy during her three terms on both the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence (oh, the irony) and the Committee on Financial Services, and of course she is the founder of the House Tea Party Caucus. These activities must have kept her too busy to actually legislate because in her three terms as a Congresswoman, she actually didn’t do anything.
Wait, I exaggerate. Since joining the House in 2007, Bachmann has sponsored or co-sponsored 58 bills. One — to repeal Obamacare — passed the House, but none were signed into law. What a record to beat!
Indeed, my Michele hasn’t spent all her time trying to get nothing done, she has also spent time saying the most outrageous and crazy things! This is why she is my Michele, ma belle. This is why I love her and will miss her style of say-anything-now, prove-it-later. She was a refreshing and fascinating look at the inside of a truly disturbed individual. From her assertion that God told her to marry her husband to her claim that the HPV vaccine causes girls to become mentally retarded, she was the gift that kept on giving.
Here are a few of my all-time-favorite Bachmann quotes:
On Pelosi’s drinking problem:
“…Speaker Pelosi, who has been busy sticking the taxpayer for a $100,000 bar tab for alcohol on the military jets that she is flying…”On the national debt:
“We need to simply tell people the facts, like Glenn Beck, with that chalkboard, that man can explain anything. I think if we give Glenn Beck the numbers, he can solve this.”On Obamacare killing everyone:
“That’s why we’re here: Because we’re saying let’s repeal this failure before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens…. Let’s not do that. Let’s love people. Let’s care about people. Let’s repeal it now while we can.”On Comparing Iraq to the Mall of America:
“[T]here’s a commonality with the Mall of America, in that it’s on that proportion. There’s marble everywhere. The other thing I remarked about was there is water everywhere.”On Carbon Monoxide:
“…carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”On Intelligent Design:
“There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.”On President John Quincy Adams, son of Founding Father John Adams and dead before Lincoln:
“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States. …I think it is high time that we recognize the contribution of our forbearers who worked tirelessly — men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country.”
So now my Michele will join the likes of Sarah Palin, where a Facebook page is a broadcast outlet. I will keep my Google alert on her and check in on her activities and silliness. I look forward to her next job, too, although I doubt Roger Ailes will make the same mistake with her that he did with Palin. No more million-dollar gigs for pretty crazy ladies.
Oh Michele, we had a good run. There will never be another like you and for that I am grateful.
Oh, and good luck on your gay marriage.