A Secret Republican Dishes the RNC

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American IconsThe 2012 Republican National Convention will take place in Tampa, Florida, starting Monday. In a surprise move, the delegates will nominate Mitt Romney for President. They will nominate Paul Ryan for Vice President because that’s what Romney told the press.

In a Clyde Fitch Report exclusive, we have interviewed a prominent national Republican attending the convention. He has agreed to speak only on the condition of anonymity, and if that’s good enough for The New York Times and The Washington Post, it’s good enough for us. It’s definitely, definitely not Karl Rove.

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Are there any speakers you’re especially excited to hear?

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I’m really looking forward to the speech by the middle-aged white lady in the Chanel suit-no, the other one, is Phyllis Schlafly even still alive?-about repealing the First, Thirteenth through Fifteenth, Nineteenth, Twenty-Fourth, Twenty-Sixth, and Thirtieth Amendments to the Constitution. Romney will promise to repeal all those amendments on his first day in office.

There’s also going to be a cancer survivor at the convention with a speaking slot. I mean, I hope he makes it until next week; he’s a little touch-and-go. We have it set up so he can roll himself out in a special red, white and blue hospital bed and prop himself up to talk about his freedom from government and freedom from Obamacare and how much better it is to pay for chemo with your 401(k). He’s kind of awesome: he talks through a special gadget he holds at his throat, it makes him sound like a robot. He had to buy it himself, so it’s not top of the line, but I think the static makes him sound more patriotic.

Oh, and the terminally-ill cancer victim really pops on TV, so he’ll keynote on Monday night, replacing Ann Romney. We’re going to let him keep the hospital bed but it’s not a government hand-out: a private donor wanted him to have it as a special gift. Well, it’s not really a gift because after he dies (seriously, it could happen Tuesday), we’ll send someone to get it. That American flag hospital bed will be a major tearjerker in the Romney Presidential Library. “As Seen on TV,” and all that, right? Freedom!

What are some of the Convention events you plan to attend?

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There’s going to be a motivational speaker to lead the convention in call-and-response, starting with “When I say rape, you say…” and then we all scream “FORCIBLE!” It’s going to be absolutely inspirational. Some of us are a little concerned that a few of the delegates-the Ron Paul people-might scream “LEGITIMATE!,” so we might rehearse it a few times or else it’ll make it all a muddle for TV. We’ve got a bet going that we can trick Wolf Blitzer into joining in.

Backlit American FlagOn the second night of the convention, a blindfolded Muslim lesbian will be led onto the stage for a three-hour ritual jeering ceremony. This is top secret… I’m really not supposed to tell anyone about this… but we couldn’t find any Muslim lesbians willing to do this, so it’s going to be Victoria Jackson made up to look Muslim-y. She was actually the third choice-Patricia Heaton was unavailable and nobody knows who Bo Derek is anymore. Jeez, I really shouldn’t have told you this. Sorry, Victoria. This interview is anonymous, right?

Now, I’m really stoked about Wednesday afternoon. I think this will be a private event, but Paul Ryan will headline a fundraiser séance with Ayn Rand. I’m not sure how this kind of thing works, and talking to ghosts definitely seems un-Christian, but I guess she’ll take over someone’s body or float in the air or whatever. I expect it’ll be a little pep-talk about freedom and selfishness-and please don’t tell my 4-year-old, but selfishness is a good thing when Rand talks about it. Although I hope she doesn’t hear about the Romney people getting that cancer guy the hospital bed-she gets pretty angry about people giving other people stuff. It was bad enough when she was alive. Now that she’s dead, she’s a total horror show.

We hear Tampa is lovely during hurricane season. Are you planning to enjoy any of the city’s attractions beyond the convention?

I hear strippers from around the country have been showing up in Tampa for weeks to prepare for the convention. There simply were not enough local strippers to meet the expected outsized demand. Some are even female, but no one knows who they’re supposed to give lap dances to. If you want some gossip, John Boehner loves strippers but he ends up crying every time they bend over and show their ass. Oh-and some of us are going golfing, too.

Can we play a little word-association game? After each word I say, just say the first word you think of.

Taxes:

Liberal media.

The American Dream:

Goldman Sachs.

Freedom:

Freedom.

Obamacare:

Tyranny, but can I also say “Kenya”?

Romneycare:

Come again?

Romneycare?:

Never heard of it.

Israel:

Rapture.

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Voters:

Old. No, white. Wait a minute-American! No, I’ll stick with white.

Birth Control:

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Whores.

Women:

Mommy.

The Arts:

You think I’m a faggot? Smith & Wesson. Hells to the yeah!

Your deepest desire:

Rafalka. Oh, wait. Did I say that out loud? Shit. This interview is over.

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