The New York City Insider Guide for Tourists, by Mahmoud ‘Denny’ Ahmadinejad


By Stefanie Schappert
Special to The Clyde Fitch Report

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New York City is known as the greatest city on earth. Millions of tourists descend on the city all year round, filling up tour buses, climbing the Empire State Building, walking Fifth Avenue, taking in Broadway shows, dining at five-star restaurants.

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But have you ever wanted to visit the Big Apple and have that real New York experience? Well, look no further. Our latest protégé, Denny, has compiled a list of all the “must do” experiences in our newest edition of the “New York City Insiders Guide for Tourists.” Whether you’ve traveled halfway around the globe or halfway across the Garden State, this guide is guaranteed to make you feel like a true New Yorker, no matter what.

Or at least that’s what our world traveler, Denny, says.

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Here are some highlights from Denny’s most recent six-day, six-night whirlwind tour of New York City. You can try all of his suggestions or just pick out your favorites; they’re in no special order. So, get ready for the vacation of a lifetime-and remember: if you’re following Denny’s rules, there are no rules!

Denny’s Top Tips for Tourists:

Tip #1: If the airlines lose your luggage…
Denny says, “No luggage? No worries! ” You can wear the same clothes everyday (in this case a tacky shirt and suit) and no one will even notice.

Tip #2: Travel with friends to get a group discount.
Denny booked a block of rooms at the Hilton Manhattan East, on 42nd Street, and got an amazing group rate. Denny and his gang “took six floors all to themselves in the hotel’s south tower, about 90 rooms in all. More than 20 were just for security.”

Tip #3: Act like a rock star.
Denny got the Hilton to let him use the employee entrance to hide from the paparazzi. The hotel covered a path to his vehicle in a white tent. Denny covered his head with a white cloth to stay incognito. According to the press, no one ever saw him on the street.

Tip #4: Watch a parade.
Denny says there’s nothing like a parade in New York…the throngs of people, the enthusiasm, the excitement! The parade Denny witnessed was sponsored by the group “United Against Nuclear Iran,” run by a former U.S. Homeland Security official. The goal: call out the Hilton for taking what they call “blood money” from the Iranian delegation staying there.

Tip #5: See someone famous.
Denny almost got to glimpse his hero, U.S. President Barack Obama. In fact, Denny says on his planned trip to the United Nations, the two friends missed each other by practically minutes. While at the U.N., Obama again reached out to Iran, urging them to negotiate with us and the international community about their nuclear plans, declaring “the diplomatic door is still open.”

Tip #6: Order room service.
Denny says anytime you stay at a fancy hotel, you should treat yourself. Denny, being a more finicky eater than most, brought his own personal chef to prepare his meals. One source said the spicy food made the “hotel stink like hell,” which our New York City Insiders Guide discourages.

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Tip #7: Meet new people.
Denny says there are all kinds of social groups in the city and there’s no excuse not to learn about something new. On the annual U.N.-declared International Day of Peace, Denny held a meeting with some 130 members of the U.S. peace and social justice movements, including major figures in the black activist community and most of the big U.S. anti-war coalitions and organizations. Stand outs included former U.S. Congresswoman turned 9/11 Truther Cynthia McKinney and the lovely ladies from Code Pink.

Tip #8: Learn about other cultures.
Denny is a big culture vulture. It seems he arranged a secret meeting at another nearby historic Midtown hotel with the widely controversial Nation of Islam minister Louis Farrakhan. They were joined by members of the militant New Black Panthers. It is still not clear what the two discussed.

Tip #9: Try and fit in.
Denny found himself right at home with a group called the 9/11 Truthers. In fact, it looks like he might join the head of the recent Ground Zero mosque project, Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, as their new spokesperson. Denny’s exact words: “some segments within the U.S. government orchestrated the attack to reverse the declining American economy, and its grips on the Middle East, in order to save the Zionist regime.” Denny even asked the U.N. for “an independent fact-finding group” to look into the events of Sept. 11.

Tip #10: Get in a bar fight over a woman.
Besides an earlier pushing match between Denny’s gang and some Sudanese diplomats in the Hilton’s lobby, the New York Post reported:

Two well-dressed women in their 40s came in, sat at the hotel bar and ordered drinks.

One of them caught the attention of the president’s security detail, which had set up a station in the hotel lobby. She was soon surrounded by eight angry Iranians, who ordered her to leave. She refused.

A manager tried to calm things down. Suddenly, the woman stood up and pointed at the Iranians, yelling, “You stoned my sister! You’re murderers!”

Denny says: “When you’re out with your friends trying to have a good time, it’s happens sometimes.”

Tip #11: Be a part of a live studio audience.
Denny says sometimes you can get lucky and be on TV. In addition to speaking to dozens of print journalists, Denny got on ABC’s This Week, CNN’s Larry King Live and Fox News Channel.

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Tip #12: Don’t get mugged.
Some call it paranoia, but Denny says you can never be too safe. Besides his double-digit number of bodyguards, he had bulletproof glass installed over his hotel windows.

Tip #13: Give back to the community.
Denny met with the latest human-rights poster child, freed American hiker Sarah Shourd. The 32-year-old hiker had been released 10 days earlier after 13 months in an Iranian prison. They spoke of releasing the other two hikers still held by the regime-her fiancé and their friend. “Baby steps,” Denny said. “Baby steps.”

Tip #14: Start a rumor.
Denny says sometimes he speaks before he thinks. He was overheard saying Iran was “ready for talks with the international community… and maybe a meeting next month with one of the six world powers offering a deal to halt uranium enrichment.”

Tip #15: Get mentioned in Page Six.
Denny says you know you’ve had a wild ride if you make the New York Post’s Page Six. (see Tip #10)

Tip #16: Don’t be rude.
Denny didn’t master this one so well. Besides more than 30 delegates, including those of the U.S., walking out on his outlandish U.N. speech, Denny later told the American reporters following him all week that “they were the least trustworthy press worldwide,” and suggested they were “all under the influence of the U.S. State Department.”

Tip #17
Thank your host.

Denny calls New Yorkers “very good people.” He also apologized for causing “any traffic jams.”

For more of Denny’s informative tips on how to vacation like a true New Yorker, don’t forget to pick up the New York City Insider Guide for Tourists at a newsstand near you.

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Stefanie Schappert is a freelance journalist based in New York. A staunch conservative in a self-professed city of liberals and the military wife of a Green Beret, she created Lipstick Conservative to share her unique viewpoint on politics and culture. This broadcast news veteran and former NFL Cheerleader is known to hang out with quite a liberal crowd and has been the buzz kill during many a dinner party. Contact Stefanie or learn more at

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Lipstick Conservative does not necessarily represent the views of The Clyde Fitch Report.