By Elizabeth Burke
Special to the Clyde Fitch Report
Who remembers Monty Python and the Holy Grail? After all, Christine O’Donnell’s new ad campaign opens with “I am not a witch,” which makes me wonder if she’s in on the joke or clueless. I think clueless: she seems to have no personal insight, sense of humor or idea what Monty Python is.
But with Election Day barely a month away, the cast of crazies, with whom O’Donnell is an outpatient, is getting more interesting. The Tea Party women — loony ladies with big hair and disdain for evolutionary science — are making it so. It was supposed to be the GOP’s “Year of the Woman.” With leaders like Sarah Palin, Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann — and illegal alien employer Meg Whitman and outsource queen Carly Fiorina running in California — one would have thought the GOP had this lady-politician-thing down! Let’s meet a few these women, shall we?
We’ve all heard about the Delaware primary, for example, with O’Donnell beating Mike Castle, the state’s longtime congressman, for the GOP Senate nomination. It was a truly shocking upset, a great political story: this young lady comes out of nowhere, nothing but passion in her heart and a few supporters (and three previously unsuccessful bids for office) and handily defeats the Republican Establishment candidate. It’s everything the Tea Party promised: fresh faces, true conservatives conquering the old guard at their own game.
Then we got to know her. Wow! I just flashed back to September 2008, to a Valentino-clad Alaskan chosen over GOP favorites to be the vice presidential candidate! Oh, the similarities between Palin and O’Donnell are striking. They look alike, they have the same folksy way of talkin’, they relate to the regular guy, they’re uber-conservative. Not only was Palin’s pastor a witch slayer, O’Donnell was an actual witch! And they both have questionable college histories: Palin attended five schools and O’Donnell bounced around, though not at Oxford, finally graduating from a New Jersey commuter school. Then again, while Palin clearly had a job as governor of Alaska (before she quit, that is), no one knows how O’Donnell earns a living. Run from her townhouse, her campaign is using donations to pay bills.
But O’Donnell has a bigger problem: Bill Maher. Our little go-getter spent many hours on Politically Incorrect in the 1990s and now he’s outing her insanity one clip at a time. It’s been great TV so far! There’s O’Donnell’s denial of evolution: “Then why aren’t monkeys still evolving into humans?”:
O’Donnell also believes masturbation should be banned:
O’Donnell also considered becoming a Hare Krishna but didn’t want to become a vegetarian. Oh, and about that witch thing? Apparently O’Donnell had a picnic on a satanic altar with a little blood on it! I do not make this up. And there’s more to come as Maher promises to offer a new clip every week through Election Day. In response, O’Donnell canceled all TV appearances — except for Sean Hannity’s show on Fox. So Palin-esque.
Now onward to Connecticut, land of picket fences, real money and quaint towns. I spent five-and-a-half years growing up in Cos Cob, so the Nutmeg State holds a special place in my heart. There always seemed a peaceful, calm, easy feel to this part of the world — until now. Meet Linda McMahon, wife of Vince McMahon, notorious owner of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), the meatiest, manliest show on earth. Linda, the CEO, made a fortune estimated at over a billion dollars through the violent “sport” of two men beating the crap out of each other. Linda likes people to believe she’s a strong female who supports women’s rights and is horrified by domestic abuse. Here’s an idea, Linda: Why not clean up your own company? Here is a video of her collaboration with that gentleman’s gentleman, Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild, where a stripper gets smashed in the head with a chair:
I can’t believe the woman who ran this company. These videos are geared to children and young men who are easily influenced and obviously being taught this is acceptable behavior. Nice teaching moment, Linda. The violence towards women is depicted as funny and macho — the money shot being the final degradation and physical abasement of the girl in the ring. The fact that she finds it acceptable to enrich herself off the public humiliation of women makes her unelectable. Like Carl Paladino’s penchant for bestiality.
Out west, GOP senate candidate Sharron Angle is one of the craziest of them all. But she’s riding high in Nevada, offering to sell her special “juice” to her Tea Party opponent, Scott Ashjian, so he’ll drop out of the race and not suck votes from her. She has a valid concern: he’ll surely take votes from Angle, leaving the door open for incumbent Harry Reid to ride through.
Angle’s taped 38-minute chat with Ashjian shows that, for this newcomer and self-proclaimed “shaker-upper,” it will indeed be business as usual if she is elected. Her promise to give Ashjian access to her new BFFs in the Senate is a con as old as the idea of our 6,000-year-old planet. The Tea Party “gives me juice,” she said. “That’s really all I can offer to you is whatever juice I have, you have as well… You want to see DeMint, I have juice with him… I go to Washington, DC and want to see Jim DeMint, he’s right there for me. I want to see Tom Coburn, he’s right there for me. I want to see Mitch McConnell, he’s there.”
Crazy as Angle is — and she is — she’s closing in on Reid and, God help us, might win. But let’s not assume someone is crazy based on one statement. Here are Angle’s top 10 batshit statements:
- As part of the Independent American Party (IAP), Angle ran a anti-gay insert in state newspapers portraying LGBT people as “sodomites” — child-molesting, HIV-carrying, hell-bound freaks.
- In 1994, Angle’s IAP placed a 16-page insert in Nevada newspapers featuring a string of articles that included one from 1814 called “Consequences of Sodomy: Ruin of a Nation.” Others included: “Homosexual Curriculum in the First Grade,” “Flawed Science Nurtures Genetic Origin for Homosexuality” and “No Constitutional Right to be a Sodomite.” One claimed the nation’s top six male killers were gay.
- Angle believes Sharia law is taking hold in Texas and Michigan.
- Angle agreed with Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet that Social Security should be privatized.
- “People ask me,” Angle once said, “What are you going to do to develop jobs in your state? Well, that’s not my job as a U.S. senator.”
- Angle suggested “taking Harry Reid out” as a Second Amendment remedy if he wins reelection.
- Angle says people make more money on unemployment that in actual jobs — therefore, people don’t look for work.
- Angle called the BP escrow a “slush fund.”
- Angle opposes any government-run healthcare — though she and her husband enjoy government-run healthcare.
- Angle believes Americans treat government as their God.
Elizabeth Burke, a New York-based actor, has been involved in politics since her first campaign at age 16. Burke’s Law does not necessarily represent the views of The Clyde Fitch Report.