Entertation Index, Sept. 19-24: The $500,000 Dollar Man

“The Situation is bigger than Kim Kardashian.”

The Clyde Fitch Report is pleased to introduce and welcome The Brown Tweed Society, created by Matt Shorr and C.M. Tomlin, to its family of contributors.

Each week, the CFR will publish a condensed best-of-the-best version of the Brown Tweed Society’s acclaimed Entertation Index, which compiles the best dish, gossip and celebrity news filtered via Brown Tweed’s unique sensibility.

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And so, the Entertation Index, Sept. 19-24:

$#*! My Dad Says — The new William Shatner-helmed CBS sitcom (which, I kid you not, is supposed to be pronounced “Bleep My Dad Says”) is meeting with problems from DVR users who are trying to search for the show on their DVRs. Since most DVR alphabet choices do not include characters such as dollar signs and asterisks, the show can largely only found through nightly schedules. Rest assured, however, that no matter how CBS wants to spell it out, if you’re recording this sitcom, you are most definitely setting your DVR to record shit.

Link: Your DVR Doesn’t Know $#*! (Hollywood Reporter)

Bolton, Michael – Actress Lisa Rinna thanks crooner Michael Bolton for somehow luring away Desperate Housewives actress Nicolette Sheridan from then-husband Harry Hamlin. Hamlin subsequently met and married Rinna, and their relationship has lasted 18 years. So it seems that even in romance, Bolton takes other people’s stuff and tries to make it his.

Link: When Harry Met Lisa (Celebuzz)

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Bruegel, Pieter — Spanish art historians claim to have discovered a rare piece from Flemish painter Pieter Bruegel after a private collector brought it to a Madrid museum for restoration. Even more surprising? The painting is reportedly a drawing of Calvin, from Calvin & Hobbes, peeing on a print of Isabelle of Portugal by fellow countryman Joos van Cleve.

Link: Spanish Restorers Find Unknown Bruegel Masterpiece (Reuters)

Hilton, Paris – The hotel heiress was disallowed entry to Japan because of her recent guilty plea to cocaine possession charges. Japan, which has a very strict policy regarding travelers with current charges or convictions, appealed to Hilton because she allegedly heard it had “tons of snow-covered mountains.”

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Link: Japan Spurns Hilton (L.A. Times)

Kemp, Martin — As his pal George Michael dutifully serves an eight-week sentence in a British prison for drug possession, former Spandau Ballet frontman Martin Kemp wished the singer well, telling reporters that Michael is “doing okay. He’s doing as well as you can expect.” Afterward, Kemp asked members of the press if they had any questions about Spandau Ballet, at which point the reporters all pretended that they had phone calls and slowly backed away.

Link: Kemp – “Michael is Doing Okay” (Contactmusic)

Lambert, Adam – A Miami paparazzo has filed a battery claim against the American Idol phenom over a scuffle involving a camera. Reports indicate that Lambert may have been angered that the photographer was not using the camera to take pictures of him.

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Link: Lambert Denies Battery (Huffington Post)

Phish — Though they’ve always been known for their New Year’s Eve specials, the storied jam band has announced that they will be playing a special New Year’s Day gig in the one and only Madison Square Garden on January 1. So if you get really smashed and terribly disgusting, sweaty and rank on New Year’s Eve, don’t have anything to do the next day, and don’t feel like showering, congrats! Now you’ve got plans. (Don’t worry, no one will notice).

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Link: Phish Unveils New Year’s Week Schedule (SoundSpike)

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Situation, The — The Jersey Shore star is reportedly charging upwards of $500,000 per public appearance, while one source who tried unsuccessfully to deal with him recently revealed that his manager rebuffed the source by quoting “The Situation is bigger than Kim Kardashian.” Aww, come on. That’s just ridiculous. They’re both huge asses.

Link: Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino Thinks He’s a Bigger Star Than Kim Kardashian (Celebuzz)

Turns, As the World — The long-running soap opera, which spawned the careers of actors like Meg Ryan, Marisa Tomei and Julianne Moore, ended its fifty-four year CBS run last Friday. Not surprisingly, the series was poisoned and murdered by its long-lost evil twin.

Link: A Fond Farewell to “As the World Turns” (NY Times)

Zolciak, Kim – The Real Housewife of Atlanta recently had her nipple repaired after she tore the stitches from her boob-job revision going down a water slide shortly after her surgery. Asked why she was playing on water slides so soon after such a procedure, Zolciak replied, “I don’t see a problem with it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting some friends at the Golden Corral buffet to celebrate my gastric bypass surgery.”

Link: Zolciak Repairs (Perez Hilton)

Read each day’s full Entertation Index every morning only at The Brown Tweed Society, your daily stop for more thoughtful pop culture news, trends and commentary. Follow TBTS on Twitter @browntweed.