Entertation Index, Sept. 12-18: Susan Boyle Simmers


The Clyde Fitch Report is pleased to introduce and welcome The Brown Tweed Society, created by Matt Shorr and C.M. Tomlin, to its family of contributors.

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Each week, the CFR will publish a condensed best-of-the-best version of the Brown Tweed Society’s acclaimed Entertation Index, which compiles the best dish, gossip and celebrity news filtered via Brown Tweed’s unique sensibility.

And so, the Entertation Index, Sept. 12-18:

Beckham, Victoria – Posh Spice has debuted a line of slightly roomier handbags that could eventually rival better-known luxury labels. Beckham reportedly insisted, though, that she was simply trying to make a satchel that she could fit herself into.

Link: V-Becks Bags (People)

Blowfish, Hootie and the – South Carolina’s capital city of Columbia, which was once home to the band Hootie and the Blowfish, is erecting a monument to the band in the form of a large steel and black granite that is twenty feet long and twelve feet high. Like the band itself in the mid-nineties, the monument will be unavoidable, not particularly interesting at all and way bigger than it probably should be.

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Link: S.C. Erects Monument to Hootie & the Blowfish (USA Today)

Boyle, Susan – Only days after Lou Reed denied Boyle use of his music to perform on America’s Got Talent because he “isn’t a fan,” Boyle found herself singing for Pope Benedict XVI during an open-air mass in Glasgow, Scotland on Thursday, where she performed Les Miserables’ “I Dreamed a Dream” and two traditional hymns. After she finished, the Pope added insult to injury as he was reported to say that while the performance was nice, he was really hoping to hear Velvet Underground’s “Satellite of Love.”

Link: Susan Boyle Sings at Pope Benedict XVI’s Mass in Glasgow (USA Today)

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Elliott, Joe – The lead singer for Def Leppard launched his own beer yesterday, made by The Porterhouse and served at bars in Dublin. Elliott describes the brew as “a pilsner style” with “a deep, rich malt character, with generous hop bitterness.” Early reports indicate that heavy drinking of the beverage causes pyromania, progressing to hysteria, but finally to euphoria.

Link: Def Leppard Singer to Launch Beer (Classic Rock)

Kutcher, Ashton – After being accused by Star of cheating on Demi with a “sexy, young 20-something” the magazine fires away again, saying he also slept with a 21-year-old he met at a bowling alley. Seeing as the magazine keeps focusing on the age difference between Kutcher and Moore, it seems Star won’t give up until the aggregate age of Kutcher’s alleged lovers equals his wife’s.

Link: Kutcher Accused Again (Star)

Leon, Kings of – British celeb site Holy Moly recounts a supposedly true tale of goings-on behind the scenes of the recent V Festival, where chart-toppers Kings of Leon reportedly blocked off a large section of toilets and showers solely for their own personal use, denying artists like Florence and the Machine, Paul Weller and Groove Armada, among others. When you think about it, though, it does make sense that Kings of Leon should have their own section of bathrooms, given the massive amount of crap they produce.

Link: Amazing Story on the Kings of Leon Being Complete and Utter Arseholes (HolyMoly)

Opera, Klingon – Art-lovers of Farnsberg, Germany will be among the first to see an “authentic Klingon opera” written by members of Dutch troupe Klingon Terran Research Ensemble and detailing the legend of Kahless the Unforgettable, the first Klingon emperor. Sci-fi and opera fans alike are looking forward to the premiere, which for most will likely include a nice dinner, the production itself, and never, ever having ever had sex before.

Link: First “Authentic” Klingon Opera by Terrans (That’s You, Earthlings) Premieres (NPR)

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Polizzi, Nicole “Snooki” – The Jersey Shore celebrity went on the Ellen Degeneres Show this week to address the scrutiny under which the entire cast lives these days, explaining that sometimes “I’ll go to frickin’ Barnes & Nobles, get a coffee and just sit down and read. No one would ever think that.” In light of this publicity, Barnes & Noble has changed its advertising slogan to “Frickin’ Barnes & Noble. Because sometimes you just want to get a coffee and read one of the Goosebumps books.”

Link: Snooki Done With Juiceheads, Ready for Usher (Hollyscoop)

Pratt, Spencer – Half of Speidi explains his recent arrest in Costa Rica: “As part of my spiritual cleansing I’ve spent the last week living alone in the jungle, reflecting on my past transgressions, and working to become a better person. I had to live off the land, and hunt to survive. As I departed the country this morning to continue my spiritual journey, I mistakenly brought my hunting weapons to the airport.” Pratt’s “spiritual cleansing” is thought to have included expunging his Inner Asshole.

Link: Spencer Pratt Arrested (PopEater)

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Zuckerberg, Mark – An upcoming New Yorker piece confirms that Facebook CEO (and seriously awesome, super-nice guy) Marc Zuckerberg once openly mocked the social media website’s users, noting in an instant message “They trust me – dumb fucks.” I’m a dumb fuck, you say? I’m just a guy trying to gain members for my online mafia family, keep my internet crops growing and help sick animals get better in my cyber-zoo, thank you very much.

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Link: Facebook CEO Admits to Calling Users “Dumb Fucks” (Gawker)

Read each day’s full Entertation Index every morning only at The Brown Tweed Society, your daily stop for more thoughtful pop culture news, trends and commentary. Follow TBTS on Twitter @browntweed.