Entertation Index, August 6-17: Monsters of Reality TV

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Squatch
Before they can find him, he must find himself.

Twice monthly, the CFR publishes a condensed, best-of-the-best version of The Brown
Tweed Society‘s acclaimed Entertation Index. It compiles the best dish, gossip and celebrity news filtered via Brown Tweed’s unique sensibility
.

And so, the Entertation Index, August 6 – 17:

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Beyonce – The pop singer is revving up a documentary film about her life and career, and will produce, direct, and star in the work. Rumored to be up next in her movie-making career? Bootylicious: The Making of This Jelly.

Link: Beyonce Behind the Camera (Billboard)

Cook, Dane – Comedian Dane Cook stunned audiences at Los Angeles’ Laugh Factory over the weekend by making several off-color jokes about the recent Aurora, Colorado theater showings at the blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises. But I think we’re all missing the bigger story here: people are still buying tickets to see Dane Cook?

Squatch
Before they can find him, he must find himself.

Link: Dane Cook Jokes about Colorado Theater Shooting in Standup Act (FOX)

Critics, Cryptozoological – Animal Planet’s new show Finding Bigfoot has drawn quite a bit of criticism, including lack of evidence, skepticism that a real Bigfoot find would remain secret until the segment airs, and…wait, people are actually writing genuine, rational criticism of a show about trying to find a freaking Bigfoot?

Link: Bashing Bigfoot (EW)

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Fallon, Jimmy – The late-night NBC star is said to be in negotiations to host next February’s Oscars, but talks have supposedly stalled because ABC, who will broadcast the ceremony, objects to any pick from a rival network. The real reason, as we all know, is that the network is opposed to anyone under 55 actually enjoying the show.

Link: Fallon to Host Oscars? (L.A. Times)

Fan Fiction, Twilight – Been working on that Great American Novel? Struggling to turn out something deep and meaningful that will contribute to literature as a whole? Good luck, stupid – because the real money is in simply ripping off an existing property by writing your own bizarre sex fantasies about Twilight. The normally-fairly-high-class publisher Penguin has made a deal with the internet author of Twilight fan fiction offshoots Gabriel’s Inferno and Gabriel’s Rapturefor seven-figures and a print run of 500,000 books. The novels will revolve around a mysterious professor of…you know what? Don’t worry about it. Just wait for the non-stop press and inevitable movies after you’ve rewarded this schlock, America. Have fun at the beach, dummies!

Twilight FanFic
Like Twilight? What are you waiting for?
Your stupid fan fiction could be worth millions.

Link: Penguin Imprint Picks up Twilight Fanfic for “Substantial” Seven Figures, Orders 500k Copies (Gawker)

Jr., Cuba Gooding – The Jerry Maguire actor was involved in a scuffle in a bar in New Orleans last week when he allegedly shoved a bartender for kicking him out. Gooding says that the bartender was being racist, but the bartender says that she had just watched Boat Trip and couldn’t in good conscience allow Gooding to remain on the premises.

Link: Gooding Scuffle (TMZ)

Holmes, Katie – The newly single actress is reportedly enjoying her freedom after divorcing Tom Cruise. A source says, “Tom…influenced what movies she appeared in, so she was unable to steer her career in the way she wanted to. Now, she has full control over what she wants to do and that freedom is exciting for her.” Well, then, let’s hope for The Gift 2.

Link: Holmes Happy (Radar Online)

Kane, Citizen – Those of you who sneered at Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane have been vindicated. The Sight & Sound list of the greatest films of all time, released once a decade by the British Film Institute and based on votes of international critics, has a new top choice. As you probably suspected, Booty Call is now king.

Link: New Top Flick (Sun Times)

Keys, Black – Notoriously prickly Keys’ member Patrick Carney showed his softer side when talking about the band’s upcoming gig at Global Festival 2012, which aims to fight global poverty: “The scale of things that they’re trying do just felt really cool, and we’re trying to get the ball rolling…It just felt like the right time to do something.” Carney is expected to revert to form soon after by questioning his own motives in increasingly foul language.

Link: Keys Charity Gig (Cleveland Plain Dealer)

Oberst, Conor – Bright Eyes’ singer and Pitchfork darling Conor Oberst has reunited with members of his former band Desaparecidos to record music attacking controversial Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio and the state’s anti-immigrant groups. Critics are calling it the most “moody and sensitive” protest against Arizona yet. Arizona officials have yet to respond and, as no one on staff has ever listened to Conor Oberst’s music, likely will never even know this exists.

Link: Conor Oberst Explains New Desaparecidos Track, Which Takes Aim at Sheriff Joe Arpaio (HuffPo)

Pad, Bachelor – Though “Reality Steve” has taken down all Bachelor Pad spoilers from his site due to a possible legal issue, Brown Tweed refuses to be cowed. Here they are: a bunch of already-rejected douches and douchettes will act like spoiled brats (which most of them are) in order to prove who among them is the worst human being, while attempting to win a quarter million dollars. Bring on your lawsuits, entertainment industry!

Stewart, Kristen – The Twilight actress is the apparent front-runner for the lead in the upcoming film adaptation of William Styron’s Lie Down in Darkness, perhaps over Winter’s Bone star Jennifer Lawrence. Stewart over Lawrence? She must have slept with the director or something.

Link: Stewart in the Lead? (THR)

Read the full Entertation Index only at The Brown Tweed Society, where you’ll find thoughtful pop culture news, trends and commentary. Follow TBTS on Twitter @browntweed.